My Oga (Boss) At The Top

Charles was always the epitome of the henpecked husband.
I suspect a bit of a cuckold too.

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He is married to the most cantankerous and the most garrulous woman you would ever see.

He is as skinny as she is fat.
As silent as she is loud.
As intelligent as she is… (Charles is going to read this story. Fill in the blanks for me).

They are a mismatch formerly made in Heaven. But currently living, (and with full recourse to emotional abuse) in Hell.

He is such a nerd.
A very rich and wealthy nerd.
An architect per excellence.
Brilliant, brilliant mind… I’m not saying these just because he is my mentor. Seriously, his intelligence quotient is stratospheric.

I have been trying to be his friend for years. Rather unsuccessfully I am afraid.
So I switched tactics and tried baiting him with sweet business ‘connects’.
Hey, choose your company wisely, you will ultimately mirror them.

Unfortunately, I am a mere protocol officer he met thrice at separate fundraising dinners; the Hilton, the International Conference Center and the Sheraton. I have kept in touch. I need him permanently on my contact VIP list.

I am a CDM – a Can-Do-Man.
You have a problem, come sit and talk with me. I will find you a ‘connect’. For a small fee of course.
I am a high network individual… That is why I graduated with a very weak “Pass” from the University… I was networking, building my wealth of contacts. Hehehehe…

I like people. People like me. I make friends easily. I am dependable once I commit.

I know models, pastors, plumbers, assassins, dancers, real estate agents, prostitutes, policemen, politicians, judges, all sorts.

And I know Linda. (yes, real name withheld.)

If you lived in Abuja, and frequented ‘hot spots’ there, you would know Linda too. (yes, real name withheld).
Beautiful, eloquent, curvaceous socialite. She is a valued friend. Yet we know nothing of each other.
Except that she drives a Range Rover Evoque and is a bona fide millionaire. Money earned from a jewellery franchise and some high profile agency commissions from sales of property.

There exist rumors that she is a lesbian.

There exist rumors that she is the mistress of a billionaire businessman.

There exist rumors that she had her fiance killed and then used for a money ritual to get rich.

Yeah… The circles I roll in… Sigh.

Charles recently ran into a glitch. His firm was awarded a contract worth hundreds of millions to build low cost housing units for a state in Nigeria. The commissioner of works and housing was being difficult. I overheard him complaining to someone over the phone last week.

I dug deep and pulled some favors. The said commissioner agreed to sit and talk with Charles whenever he (the commissioner) was in Abuja. He was in Abuja yesterday morning and called me up. I convinced him to accompany me to Charles’ house later that evening. He agreed.

I have never been invited to Charles’ house. But I know the address. His mansion sits atop a knoll in Ministers Hill, Maitama. I was going to gatecrash knowing I would be forgiven and then loved for doing so.

We drove into the grounds of Charles’ spectacular edifice at about 8 pm. We were using the commissioners convoy; pilot, escort, sirens. We were ushered in speedily at the gate.

His staff saw us into the waiting room and a maid came to offer us refreshments. I was standing by a handsome fireplace admiring an exquisite painting at the time. I heard the commissioner request for some soda with ice.
Through my peripheral, I saw that the maid was dressed, uhmmmm, like a maid. In a proper ‘maid’ uniform (stop being stingy, if you know what the uniform is called, inbox me. Politely!) .
I saw her walk toward me and I turned to face her.

Few things have the ability to shock me. But this situation stunned me into inactivity and silence.

Linda (yes, real name withheld) was the maid.

She looked at me like she had just seen the grim reaper.
My body felt like I gazed into Medusa’s eyes. I was a breathing statue.

I heard Charles’ wife coarsely screaming instructions as she approached the waiting room. She barged in like a frenzied baby elephant escaping from poachers. Charles was trailing docilely. His head down.

She barged in from my right hand side and made a beeline for me. Her eyes scrutinizing my face in search of recognition. Her eyes momentarily settled on Linda. That look alone conveyed disgust, contempt and dismissal. Linda excused herself and I saw her walk past Charles. She must have given him a signal of some sort, because he turned on a dime and speedily followed her out of the room.

I introduced myself and the honourable commissioner. Just then Charles walked back in. I made the introductions again and after they shook hands, Charles clasped my hand in both of his. Pumping it gently, warmly. He was pleased.

Linda walked in with the beverage for the commissioner. She asked what I would care for. Before I could reply, Charles insisted that we raid his bar together. Dismissed, she quietly left. The commissioner was making small talk with Charles’ wife.

Charles guided me out of the room through another door.

“I see you know Linda.” He quietly stated.

“We are acquaintances.” I offered.

“She works here, and I would like that fact kept as a secret. Can I count on your silence?”

His body language was suddenly assertive. His eyes glittered almost maniacally. His spine erect. His enunciation so crisp that his lips and teeth curled into a snarl each time he spoke.

It was in that instant I saw the real Charles. I understood right then how he built and maintained his vast wealth.
In that instant I saw many things.

“You’re shagging your maid. I get it, my lips are sealed.” I assured him with a wan smile and a wink.

“No.” He corrected me with a righteous wince of tolerance,
“My girlfriend works in my home as a maid. Outside of Linda and I, you’re the only other person that knows. I would have it kept just like that.”

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Of a truth, an elephant can fly.

A myriad of thoughts flew about in my mind. And I arrived at the conclusion that Charles was perhaps one of the most dangerous and the most ruthless men I know.
Keeping up the appearance of timidity and somehow managing to get your lover employed as a maid under your wife’s nose was brutal, cunning and almost downright devilish.

I whispered in total submission, “Master, teach me!”

He stared at me for a moment and then threw his head back roaring with laughter.

“Come, let us go and make some money first.” He answered.

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Numero Uno

Mostly I have been a handful
I have been largely a fool
For all my foolishness, I am sorry.

Mostly I have been irascible
I have been largely a wildling
I have broken your heart severally
For all my failings, forgive me.

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Mostly you have been an angel
You make my life beautiful
Your sacrifices are not taken lightly
You embody style, charm and grace
For all these and more, I am grateful.

Lovealways babes.
I wish us decades of happiness and friendship.
Thank you for all that you are; and will be for the sake of us…

For The Married (Part 5)

Marriage does not solve any problems.

All over the world married people are figuring this out.
For every lovestruck lover that’s rushing in, three disillusioned ones are clawing their way out.
Every other weekend, some star-crossed lovers tie the knot. While those married, and in attendance, sit in reflection.
Maybe even place mental bets on how long this new union will last.

Did you get in for a green card?
To escape poverty or abuse?
Maybe they are your meal ticket? Your legitimate ATM card?

Or you’re a gigolo. A hustler?
A gold digger. An opportunist?

Truth is that your motives guarantee the success of your marriage.
As an ‘Angel’ once wrote to me, “…time reveals all things. Time is the true standard and test of all things.”
Why did you get married to your spouse?

5) YOU

It all starts with you.
Who are you? What do you want from life?
What do you live for? What are your values?

Are you happy being you? Because if you are not, no one can make you happy.
Are you comfortable in your skin? What trash are you hauling?
Trash or cash, what are you bringing to the table?

As time unfolds, we start to see the truth about our partners do we not?
Weaknesses, propensity for all kinds of issues and oh man…their drama!
How well you stretch or bend over in accommodation is directly proportional to your self-health.

There can never be another ‘you’.
That you don’t feel unique, or because we don’t see your uniqueness is irrelevant.
A diamond is a diamond.
In the rough, polished, or lost…it is still a diamond.

Blood diamonds.
Smuggled/trafficked diamonds.
Stolen diamonds.
Swallowed diamonds.
In-a-pigs-gut diamonds.
Displayed-in-the-Vatican diamonds…

You are a diamond.

You are a precious diamond.

Regardless of what state you’re in, you just need to get yourself better than you are today.

You are meant to shine bright.
To show forth light.
That light is to wash upon everybody. To show at least one person the path to their light…their destiny.

That one person may be the person you are married to.

I would be lying if I said that the key to releasing your light is in your hands alone.
No it is not.
But that is not my path today.
You, however, possess the ability to make a change.
To ‘will’ and to ‘do.’

You could start by reinventing yourself:-

1) take care of your body better. Be clean. Be healthy. Watch the junk and gunk you put into your body.

2) take care of your mind. Get an education. Enrich and stimulate your inner you. Try God? A spiritual foundation goes a long way.

3) work out often. At least thirty minutes a day. Trust me on this one, it works.

4) develop some style and class. Model that persona after a like-mannered or likeness of you. Movie star? Celebrity? Dig into GQ, Cosmopolitan, Fashion TV… Develop a sense of flair.

5) Actively research on stuff that intrigue you. In this day and age, information abounds. Study, learn, observe and KNOW.

It is hard to bring down a person with a healthy self esteem.
A person with a healthy self esteem will not (normally) seek to bring you down.

That is what you owe yourself. A healthy self esteem.
Self respect.
Value yourself and your body.
Place value on your mind and spirit.
That is your right. It is your responsibility.
It is what you can humanly achieve.
It is never too late to start.

“Love starts from you to another.
And from the other to another.
And then to others…”

For The Married (Part 2)

This is the second of a 5-part series.

There Francine..happy now?
#bighug#

2) TWO’S COMPANY, THREE’S A CROWD

Depending on your religious bent, the amount of wives (or husbands) you take is quite irrelevant to the point I am trying to make.

Let me explain.

I am dealing with “third parties” to a marriage.

The new testament Christian is instructed to have one spouse.
The Muslim is permitted to have no more than four. If he can love them all equally.
The African traditionalist can acquire as many as his warped ego can accommodate.
And I understand that rich Arabs may maintain a harem outside their official wives.
And king Solomon, gotta love this dude…700 wives and 300 concubines! I am in awe of the man.

The extremes are endless, and obviously disparate.

I am not here to question ‘excesses’ or things I don’t agree with. I am just trying to offer advice on how to make a marriage work based on exemplary lives of a couple of decent folks I am acquainted with.

But for ease of transmission, and ease of assimilation, my premise is on a ‘one man, one woman’ foundation. Feel free to expand the formula exponentially as it suits your marital constituents. The principles hold true, irrespective.

As I began earlier, a third party is anyone or anything you are not married to. It is as simple as it sounds.

A) Infidelity/Unfaithfulness.

It is a popular and obvious culprit that needs no introduction or explanation. Don’t cheat!
Yes I know, there are situations that may have arisen. But there is always a reason for bad behaviour.
In a marriage though, it is wrong. Stop it.
What bears hammering home though, is emotional unfaithfulness. Escapism via children, religious activity, work, gaming, vices (alcohol, tobacco and substance abuse), friends, online/cyber romances…the list is endless.
These are all third parties that did not say, “I do”.
A safe way to check and ultimately stop these excesses is to have your spouse in on all your activities. At least they should have a working knowledge of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing.
Ouch! Yeah?
Trust me, I am one for privacy and secretiveness. I feel your pain. But, the truth; like rain, does not care who it falls on.”
In truth, barring full disclosure, you are simply sitting on a bomb that is counting down.
Wait…for…it…

B) Shut up!

A lot of trivia is escalated because one, or both of you will not stop talking.
By talking I mean relating the problem(s) on ground to anyone else but your spouse or a mutually agreed upon, competent counsellor.
Zip it! If you do not, one of you, or both alike will get hurt.
I don’t believe people always have to get stuff off their chest. I think that character is weak and immature. But that is just my temperament speaking.
If the problem you are facing concerns physical and/or emotional abuse, please do NOT shut up.
If the issues are unlawful and life-threatening; to you or anyone else, please do NOT shut up.
Communication is about listening, as well as speaking. It is about understanding where your spouse is at, and letting them know where you are at. And then finding mutual ground in love and respect.

I will shut up for now. Later!

For The Unmarried

I was at a wedding recently. I was moved to romantic heights.
It was a very refreshing event – after I woke up.

Before the romantics on board begin calling me “emotionally crippled,” something happened while I slept…yes, thank you for asking, I received a revelation. I accrued unto knowledge, an epiphany I know I am supposed to propagate.

The wedding was in Benin, Edo state. Nigeria. Hence the my partial rendition of this piece in the official Nigerian patois, “Broken English”.

For The Unmarried

1) Shine ya eye!

Good people abound. There are many lovely angels walking about pretending to be human. There is someone for everyone. Look closely is all I’m saying. Also, scrutinize! Not all that glitters is gold. Gold usually has to be discovered; laboured for, mined, cleaned, processed and then designed to look just like the goldsmith wants it to – beautiful.

2) Lion no dey born monkey!

Old habits die hard. Careful who you fall for. Oh please shut it! You can control who you fall for. Don’t even get me started on “love at first sight!” Thou evil and heartless generation! Opportunists!
I digress…apologies.
Hang around a bad person long enough, you would start to see the best side of them. Invariably start to accept them for who they are. Invariably start to accept bad things as the norm.
Funny thing about personalities is that opposites attract. Yet the very character that attracts two lovers, would be the same character that eventually causes friction. Usually enough to separate the lovers.
If you hang around questionable establishments, you will find questionable friends and maybe questionable love. More often than not, if they were pretending they revert to type down the road. With you in tow, my (now questionable) friend.

3) No carry ya wife do girlfriend

Do not treat a good woman badly. Do not toy with a good man either.
Many people lose out on love out of shortsightedness. They treat their best choices of suitable life partners shabbily – like a fling, and never quite get their groove back. Or the person back.
Reasons may range from over ambition, to greed, to bad advice, to immaturity, and to stupidity.
Its a personal judgement call. But a good person is a good person. The wise ones pursue potential in their choice of mates.
“Ready-made’s” are already set in stone, you will find that you’re soon caught between a rock and a hard place.

4) Handshake wey don reach elbow… No be handshake again.

Maybe you’ve found such a one? What in God’s name are you waiting for? Marry them for crying out loud! Commit to them my indecisive (and often, self centered) friend! Tell them how you feel. Show them how you feel. Do right by them and do the honorable thing.
Its been two years since they proposed, friend, return the ring. Except if your country is involved in war of some sort, and one party is drafted.

5) Una two no be pikin; couple yasef!

Ever notice that marriage is the only institution that gives you a certificate before graduation?
My point is that marriage is for life. Marriage is for serious minded people. It is not a status. It is not meant to be just romantic.
Many people treat their marriages like they’re dating and so experience boyfriend and girlfriend issues whilst married.
Grow up! Act your age. Play your part. If you do not understand marriage, do your research from holy books first. Please stop traumatising both families. The ripple effect of marital problems are far reaching. Stop worsening marriage statistics. Don’t let your poor choices misinform and ‘miseducate’ the willing.
If you don’t get it, please leave marriage alone till you do.

Nkpam! (Finish!)

Sex, Orgasms & Pleasure

Okay!

Let us deviate from the norm and present some statistics aimed at improving our sex lives. I hope the facts presented educate and reeducate preexisting norms, myths, old wives’ tales…etcetera… that have screwed up our sexual bliss.

(Drum roll… please….!)

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX AND ORGASMS

During orgasm, the heart averages 140 beats per minute.
The average resting heart rate for a man is around 70 beats per minute. The average resting heart rate for a woman is around 75 beats per minute.
” During orgasm, the first several orgasmic contractions occur at intervals of 1 every .8 seconds for both males and females. As orgasm continues, the contractions diminish in intensity and duration, and occur at less frequent intervals. Some people feel that since the rhythmic orgasmic contraction rate for women (and men, too) is .8 seconds, the rhythm of cunnilingus is best paced to this beat – one tongue stroke every .8 seconds. Try it! See if they are right.
” Average duration of orgasm (male): 3-5 seconds.
” Average duration of orgasm (female): 5-8 seconds
” Average number of orgasmic contractions (male): 4-6
” Average number of orgasmic contractions (female): 6-10
” The record for most orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour: 134

” The record for most ejaculatory orgasms in 1 hour for a man: 16
” Longest recorded single orgasm: 43 seconds with 25 consecutive contractions.
” Orgasms can be powerful painkillers due to the release on endorphins in the body.
” It is normal for a baby to experience orgasm in the first weeks of life.
” Percentage of people who orgasm every time they have sex:
Men: 75
Women: 29
” If you have never had an orgasm, it’s more likely due to the fact that you don’t know how, rather than because you can’t.
” Intercourse isn’t the primary way to achieve orgasm for most women. Only around 30% can orgasm this way. Most women need additional stimulation, such as clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm.
” When it comes to having orgasms:
42% of women usually have orgasms during sex with their partner.
29% always have an orgasm during sex.
25% sometimes or rarely have orgasms.
4% of women in America are not orgasmic with their partner.
” Average Age of First Orgasm (Females):
Age 1-5, 4%
Age 6-10, 12%
Age 11-13, 13%
Age 14-16, 18%
Age 17-19, 22%
Age 20-24, 21%
Age 25-30, 8%
Age 31-50, 2%
” Both men and women are more likely to experience their first orgasm through masturbation.
” 5% of women say they can achieve orgasm through fantasy, nipple stimulation or by simply squeezing their legs together.
” 40% of women report sex dreams that result in orgasm.
” One study found that only 7.7 percent of women whose lovers spent 21 minutes or longer on foreplay failed to reach orgasm.
” When asked, “How often do you fake orgasm?” in an online poll, 1500 women answered:
I never fake it: 45%
1%-25% of the time: 34%
26%-50% of the time: 10%
51%-75% of the time: 7%
76%-100% of the time: 4%
” Average time to orgasm (female): Females in a sexual study averaged a little less than 4 minutes to reach orgasm during masturbation, though for intercourse it took anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes.
” How often does masturbation lead to orgasm in females?
95% of masturbation sessions result in orgasm.
” While approximately 30% of women have experienced a multiple orgasm, only about 10% do so regularly (regardless of age).
” There are several types of multiple orgasms:

Compound Singles – Each orgasm is distinct and separated by at least a partial return to the resolution phase.

Sequential Multiples – Orgasms occur just minutes apart with minimal reduction in arousal between them. An example of this type of multiple is if you have a clitoral orgasm from oral sex followed by a vaginal penetration orgasm from intercourse, all in the same session.

Serial Multiples – Several orgasms separated by mere seconds or minutes (at most) with no reduction of arousal. Some ladies have this type of multiple as one long orgasm with spasms of varying intensity and degree.
” Does it matter who orgasms first? Only if you’re trying to conceive, according to a British study. Women who climax somewhere between 1 minute before and 45 minutes after their partner’s ejaculation retain 70%-80% of his sperm. Women who orgasm more than one minute before their partner retain less than 50% of his sperm.
” Most guys haven’t a clue when their partner is having an orgasm.
” The “average” single guy lasts 7 minutes during intercourse before orgasm.

” The “average” married guy lasts 14 minutes during intercourse before orgasm.

” Most men can only sustain active thrusting during intercourse for an average of 2 minutes before reaching climax.
” Sexologists estimate that at any given second in the U.S., approximately 800 men are experiencing orgasm.
” For some men, orgasm continues even after the ejaculation has stopped. So, keep this in mind the next time you are pleasuring your man with your hand or mouth. Don’t stop just because the ejaculation has stopped. Ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing and they may not overlap entirely. Ask your man.
” A man doesn’t have to have an erection to have an orgasm. They can have what’s called a softgasm, an orgasm and ejaculation without an erection.
” After his first orgasm, the average guy is ready for action again in around 30 minutes.

” 18 year-olds averaged only 15 minutes, while 60 year-olds averaged 20 hours.
” Having orgasms during lovemaking literally helps to build intimacy. During orgasm, the chemical oxytocin (nicknamed the “cuddling hormone”) is released in the brain and brings about feelings of closeness and bonding.
” It is not generally known, but according to some experts, there are several types of female orgasms that are completely different from each other in that they originate from different sources, are supplied sensation by different nerves, and have different levels of intensity, depth, and duration. According to these experts, there are 10 orgasm types for women:
1. Clitoral
2. Vaginal & cervical
3. G-Spot & AFE zone
4. Urethral
5. Breast/Nipple
6. Mouth
7. Anal
8. Blended/Fusion
9. Zone
10. Fantasy
” According to¬†femaleorgasmsecrets.com, when a lady has difficulty achieving orgasm these are the highest reported causes:
28% – She wasn’t in the mood
27% – She was too stressed
24% – There was a lack of foreplay
21% – Partner’s lack of response
” According to one study, around 26% of women have consistent trouble in reaching orgasm, as opposed to only 2.5% of men.
” Less than 8% of ladies have an orgasm during their first intercourse.
” According to sociologist, Michel Bozon, vaginal penetration orgasms are more difficult to achieve in the beginning of a relationship. They become easier to achieve after 5-10 years, and become more difficult again after a couple has been together for around 15 years.
” Some experts claim that the opportunity for orgasm may be greater for the lady if you make love on the 14th day of her menstrual cycle, when her sex drive is reportedly at its
highest.

No need to thank me…(wink). It was my pleasure; trust me!