How I Met Your Wife

Hey man…

I greet you.

My efforts at surveillance show me that you have developed an affinity for my blog. So I have decided to ‘talk’ to you here.

I am not sure what you hope to achieve by stalking me in person. Yes I have seen you at least five times this week. I had to beg my friends not to break your leg.

Literally beg.

I begged on your behalf. I do not beg. Yet I begged for you because I know that you are a fool.

Let me address the tiger in the kitchen. Let me confront your problem headon…

Yes I slept with your wife.

Severally.

Are you happy now? I have given you evidence in writing. If you require pictures, please ask me nicely. I will consider your request thoughtfully.

I am not sure what you think you will achieve by following me about. I see you at my book readings. You even bought a copy of all my books. Yes we saw you. You featured prominently via CCTV footage playback. I own that hotel by the way. Your body language piqued the interest of my security outfit.

I saved your life that day too.

Since I suspect that you will soon be murdered, let me help you. Allow me attempt to dilute your foolishness with understanding as concerns your wife.

She is not worth the effort. Your wife is fundamentally disturbed from deep within. You are bereft of the competence her issues require. It is not your fault.

Your woman has the sex drive and morals of an alley cat. She will copulate with anyone. She is open to any sexual deviance, as long as she has Tramadol in her system. She is a junkie. Trust me, the revelation of her list of lovers will hasten your impending death.

Unjustifiably, your affair with her friend upset her beyond belief. She is getting back at you. I suspect that you bedded the said friend in retaliation for adultery. You both need copious amounts of Jesus. Just bask in His presence or something. You both require spiritual help.

I am prominent. I am popular. I am a celebrity. I am your preferred ‘scapegoat’. I understand your myopic reasoning.

Like others before you, mention my name and you will enjoy undivided attention. So I guess it is easy for you to latch unto my legacy and try to get some succor. You will not get an ounce of flesh off me. I am essentially a spirit. You are playing with hurt, a lot of pain, grief and eternal damnation. Your demise will physically hurt you because I will not be there to beg for your life.

My posse have no tender mercies.

Consider this your last warning.

In my world if you “do anyhow; you will see anyhow…”

Your wife was with me for two days and three nights. We met Friday night at my lounge. She left my suite on Monday morning.

She was dressed like a call girl. I hear that she lives in the same house as you. I learned that you were at home when she left to go ‘hang out’ without you or the kids that Friday. I learned all these after that weekend.

You sir, who is incapable of calling your woman to order has the temerity to stalk me?

Me?!

You could not even get junkies to sell you a gun. That aberration you call a sawed – off shotgun will kill you if you ever get to pull its trigger. It is a faulty contraption. Every dude worth his turf on our streets know that gun.

There… I just saved your life again.

Dude… Chill.

Die for a cause more worthy than that succubus you call your wife.

She hates herself.

She hates you.

She even hates the pope. And she is catholic!

She wants you dead, for no tangible reason. She told me so.

You know that I am right.

Her issues were not immediately obvious. She was high and drunk. And I was uncharacteristically immoral that weekend.

As of thirty minutes ago, she is still maintaining her lie of not being married. If you ask nicely, I may ‘munch’ that chat and send to you.

Charity begins at home. Sort it out with her.

If you are seen stalking me again…

Well…

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About Last Night

#may16

Dear Tommy,

Sup?!

I’m sure Ayisha called you. Hmmm I can only imagine what she told you. Saw your calls, I could not pick up. I am not myself.

As you know, yesterday was my birthday and I also launched ‘MAY 16’ my new novel. Ayisha rallied around and did her bit. It was satisfactory. I expected more from my girlfriend and mother of my one child, but that is not my issue now.

Nneka called me. Yes the same Nneka. You of all people know that I am in good terms with ALL of my ex’s. But because of Ayisha I have pushed Nneka far away. I do not want to go through that type of public fiasco again.

Anyways she called me to wish me a happy birthday and then she told me that she still loved me and always would. She also said that she would leave any man for me. She said that she could do anything for me. I told her that I loved her too and wished her well in her upcoming marriage.

Are you with me so far!?

At about six pm yesterday, she called and invited me to her lounge. Now we are in the same social groups and in the same social networks. We always use her lounge for ‘surprise’ birthdays. It is an open secret. It is not rocket science to our circle of friends anymore.

I assumed that it was my turn.

Are you following me so far?

When I got there, sure enough the place was filled with the same usual suspects. I still thought they would do something and wish me a happy birthday.

Nneka owns the lounge so she ordered a bottle of Hennessy for both of us. We were all up in the VIP.

I lost track of anything after two shots. You and I know that it would take a full bottle of Hennessy to get me inebriated. I believe that she slipped in a roofie or something.

I was in and out of consciousness for a while. I came to at one point and she was having sex with me. I was sitting and she was on top. We were still in the lounge because I could hear music. We had unprotected sex.

At another point when I surfaced from the haze she was in my lap crying. At another point, we were having sex again. And again she was on top.

Her wedding is in a week. Even when we dated, we always used condoms. And I know her, she is the purest of souls. As you know, the only reason we parted ways was because Ayisha got pregnant. Nneka could not handle that curve ball. But shortly after, even you know that she tried to come back. You know that if I asked Nneka to marry me right now, she would.

So why would she do this? I know why…

Anyways, I don’t know how I got home. I woke up before dawn to Ayisha physically assaulting me. She beat me out of sleep yelling out that I cheated on her. The insecure woman had stripped me naked as I slept. Not to make me comfortable, but to sniff my private parts. She found what she was looking for.

I did not retaliate. I got dressed and left the house. The entire neighbors were out and had even called the police. I left before they arrived.

In other news, the writers residency to Canada came in two days ago. I have been offered a three month residency to finish my next book. I have accepted as at eight am this morning.

So why did Nneka do it? Simple… Her wedding is in a few days, and she would rather be with me. Since she cannot yet, she has taken my seed. She and her husband are going to raise me and her baby without his knowing. Or consent.

They are relocating to Canada.

Are you still following me?!

I hope to see Nneka in a few hours. I will try to get her to cancel her wedding and marry me. She is not picking up my calls though. I do not think she intends to ever pick up again.

If I fail to see her (I do not think she intends to ever see me again), I will have at least three months to locate her in Canada.

Why?

She went to an extreme I appreciate. Our separation was not because of lack of love. Nneka would die for me. That is the kind of woman I want.

I am not leaving Ayisha because she assaulted me. It is just that right now I know that it is Nneka I want.

I have dumped my cell phone number. The police are looking for me I hear. Ayisha is at work again, maligning my good name. You know she has clout. Lol, I am in so much trouble!

I will call you in a week. I will use the ‘Hotspot maneuver’… Wink…

Tell mummy. She will understand. Get her to tell daddy.

It will all work out… You know who I am and what I can do. Have I ever failed in anything I really wanted? So do not worry. Just pacify Ayisha and buy me four months. Or better still just check up on Myra for me often and stay out of me and Ayisha’s drama.

Aiight… This is your favorite black sheep brother bleating on up outta here!

Peace!

P. S: Go to my ‘safe house’, key is by the fountain, under ‘that’ stone… ENJOY! wink… Wink…

Godling (1)

Everything happens in, and for a season

Every word for a reason.

Loyalty, I fear, is a an expensive tradeoff

Apportion trust deliberately thereof.

Protect yourself at all times

Against love, religion – all the sublimes!

To be forewarned is but divine courtesy

Lips ultimately leak evil you cannot see.

Even if you currently have no clue

Read again, and glean a truth or two.

‘Do They?’

When he has no more money

When he ‘can not’…
When nothing is funny
When the ‘man’s not hot’…
When there is another option
When there is no sex
When she cannot function
When she is ‘complex’…
Then talk about love
Then call them your soul mate
Then write them poems and songs
Then broadcast ‘the beauty of us’!
Then talk about marital bliss
Then plan or duly procreate
Then hopefully be confidants
Then maybe, ‘happy ever after’.

Oh Love!

Abandoned caves, desolate tundras

Palpitating heart, hacking sobs…

Truth; you are always in my heart

Truth; is that you could not wait

Truth; we can never be what we were

My love was pure and honest

My love was open and playful

My love was lustful and naughty

I told you that, ‘I don’t share’

I told you, ‘I love you’

I told you that, ‘you are mine!’

Misty boughs, rainy valleys

Phlegmy nostrils, rheumy eyes…