This is the second of a 5-part series.
There Francine..happy now?
2) TWO’S COMPANY, THREE’S A CROWD
Depending on your religious bent, the amount of wives (or husbands) you take is quite irrelevant to the point I am trying to make.
Let me explain.
I am dealing with “third parties” to a marriage.
The new testament Christian is instructed to have one spouse.
The Muslim is permitted to have no more than four. If he can love them all equally.
The African traditionalist can acquire as many as his warped ego can accommodate.
And I understand that rich Arabs may maintain a harem outside their official wives.
And king Solomon, gotta love this dude…700 wives and 300 concubines! I am in awe of the man.
The extremes are endless, and obviously disparate.
I am not here to question ‘excesses’ or things I don’t agree with. I am just trying to offer advice on how to make a marriage work based on exemplary lives of a couple of decent folks I am acquainted with.
But for ease of transmission, and ease of assimilation, my premise is on a ‘one man, one woman’ foundation. Feel free to expand the formula exponentially as it suits your marital constituents. The principles hold true, irrespective.
As I began earlier, a third party is anyone or anything you are not married to. It is as simple as it sounds.
It is a popular and obvious culprit that needs no introduction or explanation. Don’t cheat!
Yes I know, there are situations that may have arisen. But there is always a reason for bad behaviour.
In a marriage though, it is wrong. Stop it.
What bears hammering home though, is emotional unfaithfulness. Escapism via children, religious activity, work, gaming, vices (alcohol, tobacco and substance abuse), friends, online/cyber romances…the list is endless.
These are all third parties that did not say, “I do”.
A safe way to check and ultimately stop these excesses is to have your spouse in on all your activities. At least they should have a working knowledge of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing.
Trust me, I am one for privacy and secretiveness. I feel your pain. But, ” the truth; like rain, does not care who it falls on.”
In truth, barring full disclosure, you are simply sitting on a bomb that is counting down.
B) Shut up!
A lot of trivia is escalated because one, or both of you will not stop talking.
By talking I mean relating the problem(s) on ground to anyone else but your spouse or a mutually agreed upon, competent counsellor.
Zip it! If you do not, one of you, or both alike will get hurt.
I don’t believe people always have to get stuff off their chest. I think that character is weak and immature. But that is just my temperament speaking.
If the problem you are facing concerns physical and/or emotional abuse, please do NOT shut up.
If the issues are unlawful and life-threatening; to you or anyone else, please do NOT shut up.
Communication is about listening, as well as speaking. It is about understanding where your spouse is at, and letting them know where you are at. And then finding mutual ground in love and respect.
I will shut up for now. Later!