Death Becomes Him

I can not believe that this impetuous, over-pampered and carnally-minded simpleton actually picked up that phone call… 

I swear by the throne of Jehovah, I will kill him first chance I get. 


Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring… 

“Hello…?” 

“… I kept hoping that you’d pick up one day…” 

“Uhmmmm… Yeah… I was conflicted.” 

“Because of what I am?” 

“What are you exactly?” 

“I could show you…” 

Laughs…“For real?” 

More nervous laughter… “Where are you exactly?” 

“Here.” She answered from behind him. 

I kept watch over him. He could not see me, but she could. 

From that day they were inseparable. That day in which he had unwittingly summoned her by accepting her ‘hello’  from’ the other side’. They talked a lot. Very often. He was a very curious soul. 

He was exactly thirty three years, three months, three days, three hours, three minutes and three seconds old when he (unfortunately) stumbled upon the ability to ‘summon’. 

I confronted her one night when he was asleep. I was after all his protector. In righteous indignation I insisted on being told her plans. 

She knew that I had the power to translate her spirit back into the abyss. I am holy and righteous. Maybe that is why she demurely replied me in almost suspicious humility. 

She told me that she loved him. 

“But you are a succubus, a demon!” I recall blurting out. 

She then reminded me about the time the sons of God took for themselves wives of the sons of men. And how they cohabited in love and harmony ever after. It was their offspring that became unruly, not the abominable anomaly. 

I can not believe that I am admitting this, but she was right. 

I immediately summoned Headquarters for wisdom; and reinforcements were expeditiously despatched. The Company clearly considered this client untouchable. He was the apple of someone’s eye. He was clearly special and the beloved of someone important. 

We watched as ABIKU taught him great mysteries. She revealed ancient Truths and Verities that he clearly hungered for. She showed him the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places. He inevitably became very rich and prosperous speedily. He practically rode the high places of at least two worlds. 

She was plump, shapely and comely. The human vessel she chose was as he found pleasing. She inexplicably favored him for his warmth and meekness. Under our surveillance, she metamorphosed into human (female) tendencies of jealousy, tears and domestication. 

They were under no illusions about who and what she was, and yet they proceeded to know each other carnally. Because of her default (basic) existence and office, they copulated often, and with reckless abandon. Succubi are carnal like that. She was extremely pleased with him. They were in love. 

It has been a decade now. Their unholy liaison is now confirmed by the presence of a ruddy, cheeky and naughty lad. ABIKU is a mother. 

My name is Chrioni. I am the messenger of Yahweh; (The Alpha and The Omega, The First and The Last, Holy of Holies, Jehovah.) 

I am the head guardian angel primarily assigned to this mortal, and then to his family. 

The situation has all of us messengers befuddled. And from the murderous looks of the demons snarling and hissing constantly at ABIKU, her kind are incensed beyond belief. 

We are all watching and waiting. 

The ‘What If?’ Series. (Dan-ifying The Biblical Enoch) 

Saw this meme and stuff got funny in my head. 

(Hehehehe, what’s new dude?) 
Naturally, I enjoyed several spectra of alternate reasonings on the robust plethora of outcomes, explanations and conjecture. 

I can share one of those ‘alternate reasonings’ with you if you want? 

Yes? 

Aiight… I will. 

Good thing you want to hear it, because the other ‘reasonings’ will have me precariously perched on the precipice of Apostasy. Or is it Heresy? 

Sigh… Note to self, Google the difference! ASAP dude!! 

Asiwassaying… 

Enoch did not die because he was God’s friend. 

I know the meme was about Methuselah, but…actually… but nothing! 

It’s my blog, my random (albeit nearly heretic) musings, and my…my…my everything! 

Deal with it!

Asiwassaying…

They were very close. They spent hours chatting and talking mostly about everything Enoch knew; (and I suspect) infinitesimally little about what God knew. 
Let me just say it out without fear or favour, Enoch was probably God’s first Best Friend Forever!  

Too Apostasy-ish? 

Check this out then:- even the Grim Reaper recognized that Enoch was God’s BFF and wisely gave Enoch a wide berth-harvesting other souls instead. Let me put this point in a human – relatable perspective for you; think about and recognise how careful the average American/America is around Chelsea Clinton? Or how Al Capone’s son in-law must have been on his best behaviour whilst the godfather was alive? 

I also imagined another matter; that so robust was their friendship, that God ‘forgot’ to allow him die. 

Proof? 

Here, 

“And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: [24] And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.” 

(Genesis 5:23-24).

Uhmmmm, just in case you are that uhmmmm…unknowing, the reference is from the Holy Bible. Just in case. 

I imagine that after a long time spent talking with Enoch one day. After a flurry of particularly spiritual and intellectually stimulating conversation with Enoch God got up and suggested, 

“Come Enoch, walk me home. We can continue this conversation all the way to my place”

Bearing in mind that it is not everyday God invites you to his house, Enoch probably replied, 

“Yes Lord.”

And then,“he (Enoch) was not; for God took him.”


Spawn of Satan

I imagine that you are reading this from somewhere not in Africa. 

As you read, you will probably sneer and then dismissively chuck me off as backward, gullible and ostensibly religious-bordering on the insane. 

But I know what I am talking about. 

Welcome to a warm and dark continent. The traditions and customs here are still archaic. The first gods are still worshipped here. Worshipped, not merely served. There is a difference. 

I do not believe in coincidences. 

Once, yeah… Okay. 

Twice, I start to reach for my sidearm. 

Thrice, I come out of my den snarling behind a hail of bullets. Machete in the other hand. 

The following took place about ten years ago. (Between the eighth to the tenth years… to further misdirect you… I am smiling broadly right now.) 

One. 

I was in a long term relationship with a lovely young woman. By this time I already knew that I could not marry her. She was a snooping, manipulative, arrogant bitch! (Hmmm… Now where did that emanate from? Forgive me, I am clearly still upset with her). One midnight, she surprised me while I had my pants down. Erect phallus in hand. Indulging in self-help and self-love. She lost it! She broke down in self-righteous tears,  and when that did not work she told me that it would never be well with me until I learned to treat her right. In retrospect I regret not replying her ominous words. You see, I am a creature of habit. I am a maverick, but I have method to my eccentricity. So I know and notice when my jewellery and items of my clothing suddenly disappear. I know about her father, and I know that her mum still worships the first gods. Despite being a deaconess in a local community church. So I knew that her threat was not idle. 

Two. 

By now things had deteriorated quite badly. I was in a bind in every respect. While I did not owe money at the time, I used to be a millionaire. Yes I was still involved with ‘Evil-ynn’, that conniving, stinking maggot. And sibling of Satan! (Hmmm… Now where did that emanate from? Forgive me, I am clearly still upset with her). It was a hot and dry Friday afternoon. I was in between (seemingly futile) business meetings. I drove to a quiet park. They were typically leased to vendors who maintained them via recreational facilities and restaurants and / or a beer parlour. All sorts of mobile vendors would stop by tables offering wares ranging from roasted peanuts to lingerie to cheap electrical accessories. This particular vendor was a Yoruba traditional medicine man. He was selling bottled plant roots and potions purportedly able to cure piles, diabetes and all sorts of ailments. I was bored and I am likable, so he told me that I was on the verge of greatness but that I needed to pray more fervently. He said that my prosperity had been tied up in a tree somewhere. He advised that I prayed that night with a white handkerchief last thing before I slept. That he would stay up and pray in agreement with me at my preferred time. He was a Muslim. I am a Christian. 

Three. 

I was out of town officially. I was mentally chastising myself on why I had bothered to arrive by air. The assignment was clearly not going to be as lucrative as I had hoped. Then that sneaky, succubus that hated Jesus called. She typically called at my lowest times, just in time to make matters worse. Witch! (Hmmm… Now where did that emanate from? Forgive me, I am clearly still upset with her). Luckily a former colleague called me right after her call. He knew I was in his town and wanted to swing by. He arrived with a young man he introduced as ‘his prophet’. They were on their way to dedicate a parcel of land or something. Just before he left, he told me that I had made a mistake dating ‘Evil-ynn’. He told me that I needed deliverance. He said that ‘they’ had ‘tied my progress’ to a particular shrub somewhere in Ankpa. A town in Kogi state, Nigeria. 

Sigh! 

I had no choice but to speak with my pastor. He had us both pray at a set time with a set of specific prayer requests. 

It has been a while since that prayer session. Believe it or not, I am wealthy and rich. More so than ever, and this is me modestly understating things. Everything is going well. Perfectly actually. 

Evilynn’s mother ran mad. She had a mental breakdown in a NEXT –  CASH AND CARRY supermarket. She was said to have rambled on and on about her being a witch. She reportedly asked for my forgiveness. 

Evilynn’s sister ran mad. She had a mental breakdown in a popular Abuja market. Same story, she mentioned my name too. 

Evilynn. Chikadibia – went slightly bipolar. She broke into my convenience while I was there seated waiting on gravity to call on nature. She sank to her knees right there in the ‘shitter’ and apologized. She told me that her mum did it to protect her daughter from harm. I absolved her of wrongdoing in my books. Hey, I loved her once. 

A popular shaman in Ankpa apparently lost his damn mind and stepped in front of a truck suddenly. Before he died, I hear he confessed to a lot of vile things. Yes. Yes, my name came up… Again! 

At this juncture, I wisely relocated. Left town for good. Good thing I did. 

Inside of a week all the aforementioned, plus one or two unmentioned were dead. 

They all died in their sleep. They were insane until they died. 

Legion

There be the warriors
Capable of seizing Hades by his scrotum
And making him squeal.

There be the sages
Capable of many things
Yet discerning, to forsake many things.

There be the in-betwixt
Capable of striking balance
For everyone, but for no one.

There be the divergent
Capable of eluding classification
Enigmas, provocateurs, abominations.

There are many kinds of us
Regardless, we each bear arms
Regardless, we each bear scars
There are many kinds of us

The Chronicles Of Chrioni: Interviewing God

I was in Asaba, Delta state this past weekend. I elected to go by road. It was fun. 

We stopped at Lokoja, Kogi state for light refreshments.
My girlfriend recently commissioned a water park there, Enez Waterworld.
The place is a wonder.
Pure genius.
A very pregnant cash cow there.

Somewhere within the fish market, I stopped to ogle at some beads. I chose there to flirt back at the cutest four – year old Fulani child in her mother’s arms. 

The child started it. 

In the end, I think I won the hearts of mother and child. 

Harmless fun. 

There was an envelope placed under the wiper of my truck by the time we got back to the convoy of vehicles. Between the windscreen and the wiper.
We were traveling with military escorts armed to the teeth. They were supposed to stand guard at all times. Yet none of them saw the delivery guy. Even though two of them were stationed by the vehicle the entire time.

The envelope was addressed to me.

The Tactical Response military attaché returned the envelope seven minutes later and declared it anthrax free… et al.

Lovely cursive… Faint smell of myrrh.
Yes, myrrh.
I just know the fragrance, I am gifted like that.
I rarely allow contributions to my blog. But this I had to allow. Let me know your thoughts…

{“To the entirety of creation,
As penned by my own hand, in my capacity as chief scribe, I Chrioni, messenger of ‘The Holy of Holies’, doth write…

‘The Most High’ simply summoned me, Chrioni, to take notes. I was not privy to the “how” or the “why” of the interview.

‘El Shaddai’ was clearly interested in this lady. He seemed to have toned down His glory a bit. He seemed to be trying to get her comfortable by appearing more human.

She looked desperate, hungry …, ordinary actually.
But then we messengers are yet to fully comprehend what ‘Jehovah Tsidkenu’ sees in humanity.

I took my place adjacent to them both. She sat directly opposite ‘Jehovah Rapha.’

Ask Me…” His usually thunderous voice gently prompted.

“Where did you come from Lord?” She quipped. Her voice was steady and clear, devoid of fear or intimidation.

‘Jehovah Rohi’ smiled and simply replied, I AM!

He went on to add, “Your real quest is not to know where I am from. You wonder how I do all I do. You wonder why I allow what I permit. You, (more than most) , are truly interested in My Mind. You want to know what makes Me ‘God’.”

The human nodded enthusiastically.

“…My ‘powers’ are not anchored to my whereabouts. My ability is not power at all.
Power is how you rationalize my essence. My essence is my imagination.
All of creation is simply how I imagined it to be…
This ability is latent in all of humanity.
There is nothing impossible to you…
Hold a thought progressively until you see it. Then speak what you have seen…”

The ‘Strong and Breasted One’ spoke with the human for a long time.

I am not permitted to divulge all they spoke of.
For reasons best known to ‘The Author and The Finisher of Our Faith’ , on this day, He granted an interview to a mortal. A woman of uncommon beauty and faith.

After the interview, He bade me to seek another human.
You, Dan Ochu-Baiye.
He said you would do the needful with this text.

Though it was she that interviewed Him, He forbade her to talk about the time spent with Him ever after.

May The Lamb and all the twelve elders bear me witness…
May The Comforter and every messenger able to, bear me witness…

I have completed my task. I have done as instructed.

By my own hand,

Chrioni.“}