The ‘What If?’ Series. (Dan-ifying The Biblical Adam & Eve)

I would like to tell you a story.

First off, forget all you think you know about the story.

The Story is set in eternity. I would not dare to add or subtract from The Truth.

But I am compelled to entertain you. I am obligated to open up the eye of your understanding.

As always, embedded in all I will ever write; exist ‘gates’.

If you know, you know.

Once upon a time there was one made in the likeness of the Author and Finisher. (This is how I was told the story began.)

He that was newly created, he was alone. Not lonely.

He traversed the length and breadth of his dominion.

The story says that he had been commissioned to name all things; animals, plants et al.

He was a maverick. He was a pioneer. He was was a (Before Christ) Tarzan.

In short, he was badass!

Original badass!

Now El Shaddai ran a few algorithms. In His brilliance, He deemed it fit to make a Help Meet for Badass.

And then voila! there was this hottie at the whim… The caprices of Badass.

Let us be real for a bit… We are all adults here.

Fellas back me up on this;

A virgin.

Younger than you are.

Totally ignorant and largely naive.

And lest I forget, perpetually naked.

Yes naked.

As was he… Bad-assery!

Keeping it real… This was the first recorded insinuation of sex.

This was also in that year when men lived to be hundreds of years old.

Can you imagine the libido in that dominion?!

The unmitigated and uncensored lust!!

Their eagerness. Their dedication. Their devotion. The love!

They must have tormented the animals incessantly. Their ruckus most likely made primates cover their eyes and ears in embarrassment.

He was whipped

She was dick-matized.

They were in a utopian euphoria of some sort.

Inseparable.

In the version of this story, (the story that was told to me and I am telling you), one day Badass stumbled on the devil weasling around The Forbidden Tree.

Of course he had his bride… woman, queen, sex slave etc in tow.

Hey… She must have been gobsmacked by Badass.

Inseparable.

And then the devil sold his lies convincingly.

And Badass nodded in permission to his Help Meet.

Whereupon she hurriedly picked /collected / harvested / plucked a fruit off of The Forbidden Tree.

Eve? In that era and dispensation? Dare leave her protector / husband / lord / new-found lover??

And dare to strike conversation with any other thing without his say so?

Impossible!

Rubbish!

According to the way that the story was told to me of course…

According to the story, the one I was told, Badass instructed his woman to eat of it. And then he ate.

Help Meet was old-school; loyal, graceful, obedient, wise and respectful. She backed up her man’s story. She did not let him down.

From the sentencing all the way to banishment she refused to snitch.

Of course Tsidkenu knew exactly what Badass was doing. He was not deceived. But He saw them as one. A few centuries later He would allow the ‘untimely’ death of a couple. They lied to an apostle about proceeds from land sold.

Rohe would not interfere in the affairs of man without requisite invitation though. So He did what He had to do. This version of the story agrees with the original one.

No… That was not Freudian. I slipped for a reason.

She lost her home, her comfort zone, her security. She was cursed alongside her man and she served her time with dignity, style and grace.

That woman was certainly ‘ride or die’.

Wife-material!

Ahem! The above is exactly the way the story was told to me of course… Hehehe…

The story goes on to reveal that Help Meet may have been less educated than Badass. And so there exists Badass’ version of this same story that is popular and well accepted. And original.

No… That was not Freudian. I slipped right on point.

And so my friends, I have come to the end of the story that I was told.

If I ever hear another story I deem worth your time, I will tell it.

You may leave your comments on this blog.

Thank you.

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Book Promotion: 32 DAYS IN SEPTEMBER 



“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.” – Yoda

The ‘What If?’ Series. (Dan-ifying The Biblical Enoch) 

Saw this meme and stuff got funny in my head. 

(Hehehehe, what’s new dude?) 
Naturally, I enjoyed several spectra of alternate reasonings on the robust plethora of outcomes, explanations and conjecture. 

I can share one of those ‘alternate reasonings’ with you if you want? 

Yes? 

Aiight… I will. 

Good thing you want to hear it, because the other ‘reasonings’ will have me precariously perched on the precipice of Apostasy. Or is it Heresy? 

Sigh… Note to self, Google the difference! ASAP dude!! 

Asiwassaying… 

Enoch did not die because he was God’s friend. 

I know the meme was about Methuselah, but…actually… but nothing! 

It’s my blog, my random (albeit nearly heretic) musings, and my…my…my everything! 

Deal with it!

Asiwassaying…

They were very close. They spent hours chatting and talking mostly about everything Enoch knew; (and I suspect) infinitesimally little about what God knew. 
Let me just say it out without fear or favour, Enoch was probably God’s first Best Friend Forever!  

Too Apostasy-ish? 

Check this out then:- even the Grim Reaper recognized that Enoch was God’s BFF and wisely gave Enoch a wide berth-harvesting other souls instead. Let me put this point in a human – relatable perspective for you; think about and recognise how careful the average American/America is around Chelsea Clinton? Or how Al Capone’s son in-law must have been on his best behaviour whilst the godfather was alive? 

I also imagined another matter; that so robust was their friendship, that God ‘forgot’ to allow him die. 

Proof? 

Here, 

“And all the days of Enoch were three hundred sixty and five years: [24] And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.” 

(Genesis 5:23-24).

Uhmmmm, just in case you are that uhmmmm…unknowing, the reference is from the Holy Bible. Just in case. 

I imagine that after a long time spent talking with Enoch one day. After a flurry of particularly spiritual and intellectually stimulating conversation with Enoch God got up and suggested, 

“Come Enoch, walk me home. We can continue this conversation all the way to my place”

Bearing in mind that it is not everyday God invites you to his house, Enoch probably replied, 

“Yes Lord.”

And then,“he (Enoch) was not; for God took him.”


The Chronicles Of Chrioni: Interviewing God

I was in Asaba, Delta state this past weekend. I elected to go by road. It was fun. 

We stopped at Lokoja, Kogi state for light refreshments.
My girlfriend recently commissioned a water park there, Enez Waterworld.
The place is a wonder.
Pure genius.
A very pregnant cash cow there.

Somewhere within the fish market, I stopped to ogle at some beads. I chose there to flirt back at the cutest four – year old Fulani child in her mother’s arms. 

The child started it. 

In the end, I think I won the hearts of mother and child. 

Harmless fun. 

There was an envelope placed under the wiper of my truck by the time we got back to the convoy of vehicles. Between the windscreen and the wiper.
We were traveling with military escorts armed to the teeth. They were supposed to stand guard at all times. Yet none of them saw the delivery guy. Even though two of them were stationed by the vehicle the entire time.

The envelope was addressed to me.

The Tactical Response military attaché returned the envelope seven minutes later and declared it anthrax free… et al.

Lovely cursive… Faint smell of myrrh.
Yes, myrrh.
I just know the fragrance, I am gifted like that.
I rarely allow contributions to my blog. But this I had to allow. Let me know your thoughts…

{“To the entirety of creation,
As penned by my own hand, in my capacity as chief scribe, I Chrioni, messenger of ‘The Holy of Holies’, doth write…

‘The Most High’ simply summoned me, Chrioni, to take notes. I was not privy to the “how” or the “why” of the interview.

‘El Shaddai’ was clearly interested in this lady. He seemed to have toned down His glory a bit. He seemed to be trying to get her comfortable by appearing more human.

She looked desperate, hungry …, ordinary actually.
But then we messengers are yet to fully comprehend what ‘Jehovah Tsidkenu’ sees in humanity.

I took my place adjacent to them both. She sat directly opposite ‘Jehovah Rapha.’

Ask Me…” His usually thunderous voice gently prompted.

“Where did you come from Lord?” She quipped. Her voice was steady and clear, devoid of fear or intimidation.

‘Jehovah Rohi’ smiled and simply replied, I AM!

He went on to add, “Your real quest is not to know where I am from. You wonder how I do all I do. You wonder why I allow what I permit. You, (more than most) , are truly interested in My Mind. You want to know what makes Me ‘God’.”

The human nodded enthusiastically.

“…My ‘powers’ are not anchored to my whereabouts. My ability is not power at all.
Power is how you rationalize my essence. My essence is my imagination.
All of creation is simply how I imagined it to be…
This ability is latent in all of humanity.
There is nothing impossible to you…
Hold a thought progressively until you see it. Then speak what you have seen…”

The ‘Strong and Breasted One’ spoke with the human for a long time.

I am not permitted to divulge all they spoke of.
For reasons best known to ‘The Author and The Finisher of Our Faith’ , on this day, He granted an interview to a mortal. A woman of uncommon beauty and faith.

After the interview, He bade me to seek another human.
You, Dan Ochu-Baiye.
He said you would do the needful with this text.

Though it was she that interviewed Him, He forbade her to talk about the time spent with Him ever after.

May The Lamb and all the twelve elders bear me witness…
May The Comforter and every messenger able to, bear me witness…

I have completed my task. I have done as instructed.

By my own hand,

Chrioni.“}

Heresy, Apostasy, And The Space Betwixt Them

Happy New Year!

Yay!!

Right…

I attend a vibrant pentecostal church. Tongue – talking, Spirit – filled, demon – chasing type of church.

We are mandated  to fast and pray during the last three days of every year. This year was no different.

I took it very seriously, 2016, I knew was going to be the best year of my life thus far. I could feel it, I just knew.
I actually fasted so I would make no mistakes administering the deluge of wealth and resources coming my way, I craved wisdom. I was fasting for wisdom. I already knew my 2016. I already have 2016!

2016 was my year. It is a year I’ve locked down well.

I took the fasting and prayer so seriously that I levied upon myself a three – day dry fast. No food, no water.

By the third day I was spirit. I was in the spirit and I moved thus.

Then I saw that I was sitting in plush looking car. The upholstery was exquisite. From the ambience I deduced that we were seated in a Rolls Royce, in a Ghost or Phantom.

Yes ‘we.’

He was seated facing me.

The devil.

Satan.

Lucifer.

Beelzebub.

Yes, the devil.

He was the epitome of impeccable taste and style.
Very dapper, very trendy 40-something year old.
Good looking dude too.
His expensive-smelling perfume caressed my nostrils pleasantly.

“I’m tired of it all. I don’t even know how it got this bad!”

“Who? What? ” I queried.

“God! This quarrel we have… I’m wrong, He’s right… I’m bad, He’s good… Sick of it! I accept!! I’m the bad one, I accept my faults… Punish me!!! ”

I had nothing, by way of reply.

“I just want a bit of peace. I’m tired of evil, or being blamed for it. I wish I could leave it all.”

“Why are you telling me all this? ” I asked.

What did Satan take me for? I had more carnal concerns. This issue, even in heaven would require the  intervention of very top management.

“Your spirit shone the brightest in this principality. You have been luminous almost three days now. It’s been years since I felt such faith! I had to come see.”

“Wow!”

Okay. Uhmmmm, guess its not everyone that can impress the devil… thank you I guess?

He gazed at me for seconds, but they felt like hours.

I returned his scrutiny.

He embodied Masculine perfection.

He was telling the truth.

The father of all lies… Was telling the truth.
He was tired of fighting God. He wanted out. Retirement.

Prison.

The lake of fire.

Anything!

He was done being the devil.

“Then you must talk to Him. He is The Way, The Truth and The Life…” I counseled.

“I fear I have fallen from grace. I am cast down. I have lost my grace.” The devil gravely intoned.

“I know a way, but you sir, must do as I ask. I will act and talk but once… I need to be getting back.”

He was nodding his head in total agreement.
So I sat up, and the devil mirrored by movements thus closing the gap between us. I held out my hands and the devil clasped them.
So hand in hand with my eyes closed I instructed the devil to repeat after me.

“Dear God,
I come to You in the Name of Jesus. I admit that I am not right with You, and I want to be right with You. I ask You to forgive me of all my sins. The Bible says if I confess with my mouth that “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead, I will be saved (Rom. 10:9). I believe with my heart and I confess with my mouth that Jesus is the Lord and Savior of my life. Thank You for saving me!
In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.”

And he did. The devil repeated after me.

Satan gave his life to Christ.

The devil had just accepted Jesus into his heart.

I had led Lucifer to Christ. He was now born again.

I felt everything spiritual grind to a halt. The atmosphere became thick, then crackle, then hurt like static electricity.

Painful. Unbearable. Pressure.

Uncomfortable.

I was about to lead him to be filled with the Holy Spirit when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up into the softest, whitest, purest form of light and life.

The devil had the same glory and grace on either side. They were now holding him up.

Well done good and faithful servant… You are an heir… My son… ! You are a god.” The messenger spoke to and about me.

“May it be so, amen. ” I acquiesced.

And then in an instant the messengers took the devil to meet God.

In the same instant I was myself.

I pondered on many things.

Then I prayed that God forgive the devil and accept a prodigal son.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!