Tag Archives: Communication

For The Married (Part 2)

Posted by Dan Ochu-Baiye on

This is the second of a 5-part series.

There Francine..happy now?
#bighug#

2) TWO’S COMPANY, THREE’S A CROWD

Depending on your religious bent, the amount of wives (or husbands) you take is quite irrelevant to the point I am trying to make.

Let me explain.

I am dealing with “third parties” to a marriage.

The new testament Christian is instructed to have one spouse.
The Muslim is permitted to have no more than four. If he can love them all equally.
The African traditionalist can acquire as many as his warped ego can accommodate.
And I understand that rich Arabs may maintain a harem outside their official wives.
And king Solomon, gotta love this dude…700 wives and 300 concubines! I am in awe of the man.

The extremes are endless, and obviously disparate.

I am not here to question ‘excesses’ or things I don’t agree with. I am just trying to offer advice on how to make a marriage work based on exemplary lives of a couple of decent folks I am acquainted with.

But for ease of transmission, and ease of assimilation, my premise is on a ‘one man, one woman’ foundation. Feel free to expand the formula exponentially as it suits your marital constituents. The principles hold true, irrespective.

As I began earlier, a third party is anyone or anything you are not married to. It is as simple as it sounds.

A) Infidelity/Unfaithfulness.

It is a popular and obvious culprit that needs no introduction or explanation. Don’t cheat!
Yes I know, there are situations that may have arisen. But there is always a reason for bad behaviour.
In a marriage though, it is wrong. Stop it.
What bears hammering home though, is emotional unfaithfulness. Escapism via children, religious activity, work, gaming, vices (alcohol, tobacco and substance abuse), friends, online/cyber romances…the list is endless.
These are all third parties that did not say, “I do”.
A safe way to check and ultimately stop these excesses is to have your spouse in on all your activities. At least they should have a working knowledge of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing.
Ouch! Yeah?
Trust me, I am one for privacy and secretiveness. I feel your pain. But, ” the truth; like rain, does not care who it falls on.”
In truth, barring full disclosure, you are simply sitting on a bomb that is counting down.
Wait…for…it…

B) Shut up!

A lot of trivia is escalated because one, or both of you will not stop talking.
By talking I mean relating the problem(s) on ground to anyone else but your spouse or a mutually agreed upon, competent counsellor.
Zip it! If you do not, one of you, or both alike will get hurt.
I don’t believe people always have to get stuff off their chest. I think that character is weak and immature. But that is just my temperament speaking.
If the problem you are facing concerns physical and/or emotional abuse, please do NOT shut up.
If the issues are unlawful and life-threatening; to you or anyone else, please do NOT shut up.
Communication is about listening, as well as speaking. It is about understanding where your spouse is at, and letting them know where you are at. And then finding mutual ground in love and respect.

I will shut up for now. Later!

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10 Reasons Why He Will Leave You

Posted by Dan Ochu-Baiye on

Men are a strange lot. I think we mean well mostly. We just seem to possess this darned inability to communicate emotional feelings properly.

I knew this to be a fact whilst assessing a public poll via social media I conducted recently. For every five women that spoke to me, only one man did.

Even when they spoke, their responses were frugal. Yet they were not economical with the truth. I had to probe and pry. Finally though, the truth came through… 10 reasons why your man will leave you.

1. NAGGING
Now you know the reason why he scarcely comes home straight. Men would typically stay back at work hoping their women would be asleep or too relieved when they eventually show up to begin to nag. Or they stop over at a pub or ‘garden’ to fortify themselves (with some alcohol or substance) for the nerve-grating garrulousness they are inevitably going to bear. Its the most occurring reason why he will leave you.

2. TRUST
This topic is vast. If your man feels he cannot trust you, or trust you with certain details, he will clam up. Pushing his buttons to force a reaction may leave you high and dry conversation-wise. Or the recipient of monologues. A man typically falls in love over time. Its too risky and we are not wired for emotions as first respondent. Funny though, is that he falls out of love in split seconds. Don’t get me wrong; he still loves you, just no longer in love with you. As I told someone a while back, “a woman has the (self-destructive) and largely undiscovered potential to build a relationship in 7 years, but tragically tear it down in 7 minutes with careless actions and speech”.
Another relative of trust is ‘LIES’. Chris Rock said it best, “men lie all the time; but women tell the biggest lies!
Call it stereotyping… But men think women tend to tell monumental lies.

3. CLEANLINESS
Yup!
I agree. Not tidiness, hygiene.
Those panties marinating in the bucket for days in the bathroom… That ‘off’ smell oozing from poorly maintained privates…(yeeesh!)…smell off poorly kept hair…the list is endless. Its the subject of locker room talks. Yeah they’d still shag you…but maybe that’s why he had that cigarette immediately after, or why the faucet kept running while he retreated into the bathroom. Don’t be nasty, don’t be gross. Cleanliness is indeed next to godliness.

4. INFIDELITY
No brainer…what did you think would happen? Closely linked to “TRUST”. Once its gone; run!

5. ATTITUDE
– To Sex
– Your presentability to his family and friends
– Your teachability
– Unnecessary haughtiness and (empty) pride.

Your attitude determines you altitude. Men process differently. We are wired to think into a relationship. Women typically feel into a relationship.

Believe it or not, the abovementioned are some of the criteria he would use to make ‘it’ or break ‘it’.

6. LOYALTY
Women prefer commitment. Exclusivity too. A man wants loyalty and respect! Take it or leave it. Love him or leave him. If in the face of adversity and trials his woman can still be loyal and respectful; (attention please), he will morph from a tiger to a kitten.

7. HOMELINESS
Precursor to marriage. If you can’t cook or clean. Can’t “Proverbs 31” basically… You do the math ma’am.

Don’t be deceived by the brevity of HOMELINESS… Its the foundation of potential longevity.

8. FRIENDS
Show me your friends and I will tell you the type of person you are.

If the close friends you present to him are majorly divorced, single mums, deviant, morally bankrupt etc…then, this writer rests his case.

9. MATERIALISTIC/GREEDY
“Give me, give me!!”
“I’d like…”
“Baby may I have…”
“Sweetie your girl is broke…”

Hmmm…maybe, just maybe, he is not as stingy as you think.
A “keeper” typically helps to conserve for a joint future.

Think about it my sisters…

10. CRAZY
Uhmmm…Tim-Tim, I’m stumped here. Don’t really get your take on this point.
Well, I can only surmise that nobody likes an insane person in close proximity.
I guess it may have been “that time of the month”?
For whatever reason, tone it down luv! He may have been thinking of you as the potential mother of his kids. And truthfully, crazy behavior off a woman is crass, uncouth, unladylike and just wrong!

SUMMARY

George said it best,

“Here’s all you need to know about men and women: women are crazy and men are stupid.  And the main reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid”

Whatever that means.

This writer rests…

10 Reasons Why She Will Leave You

Posted by Dan Ochu-Baiye on

I get called to counsel warring lovers.
Of recent these calls have increased in frequency. Many of them, from repeat ‘offenders’.

Especially married folk. The thread that held marriages of old together, seems to now be out of stock, or made of inferior thread. Or maybe the quality of materials the same old thread is supposed to hold together, is what is actually inferior.
However I digress, forgive me.

As some of you are aware, I conducted a survey yesterday. Hence this piece. The results were not at all what I expected. The results are listed from the most occurring reason (from the survey) to the least occurring.
Below are 10 reasons why your wife, lover, girlfriend will leave you:-

1) VIOLENCE
At 98% occurrence in my polls, this tops the list. She will always leave a woman beater. She will run away from protracted exposure to physical, and for some, emotional abuse. So, Captain Caveman, up your emotional sensitivity. Except if you’re Tarzan and she’s Jane.

2) LOVE LOST
The ladies say they would leave you if they thought you no longer loved them. How they get to that conclusion is an angle my polls did not cover. “Faith cometh by hearing“ I guess? Tell her you love her…often too! (Dumbo!!)

3) BAD SEX
Yeeeeesh! Is that even possible in this day and age? Are there really men out there that do not know that great lovers are made, not born. With all the adult educational material out there, all the sex aids and paraphernalia… And you still can’t shag her properly?! Dude…seriously?!! Also closely related was ‘small penis’. I’m not even going to delve into that matter…you need Jesus for that issue. Or revert to my first paragraph, same point.

4) STINGY
Coming in at number 4, and with over 75% frequency, I guess its serious to women. I don’t know how much you earn sir, or how extravagant she can be…I have no inclination as to the degree of your financial intelligence, or how materialistic she is…but I am sure there is a midpoint for both points of view? Thank you…

5) INFIDELITY
This position surprised me. I expected it to top the polls. Even in attempting to explain this problem, I got the impression that they were acting out an expected reaction as opposed to really detesting it. Either way, you now know most women will leave your cheating behind… (With “half”, of everything. Esther wants half the errant penis too!)

6) LACK OF TRUST
Acting shady. When she cannot rely on you. When she knows you do not trust her. When she does not trust you either. The dynamics of trust are too intangible to simply write on. In my opinion, this is the number 1 problem of most relationships. It should have topped my polls. Loss of trust is why a man would go rogue.
I’ll treat that in “10 Reasons Why He Will Leave You”

7) LIES
Another surprise for me. I expected this higher up. “Everybody lies”, I always say. But I think our women prefer honesty. Lying begets more lies. Its a dirty cancer that will ruin all you hold dear. It’s enough to make her leave you apparently.

8) NOT (NO LONGER) GODLY
Your woman wants you secured spiritually. She knows that if you believe in God, there are many ills and sins you would not commit. She would rather see you as her high priest and her king all rolled in one. She wants you to be her spiritual head.

9) NOT (NO LONGER) BEING HEAD OF THE HOME
They really seem to prefer their men in charge. Feminism aside, they want you to lead. They are quite comfortable following you. There are many twists to this point of view, because there are exceptions to every rule. And because the players are not stupendously wealthy. Its deeper than I have the ability to cover here.

10) MIXED MESSAGES
Hmmm…whatever this means. Coming from the sex with the power to mix messages, market them and profit from sale of same…I am afraid I will have to leave this point alone. In fact the respondent with this reason possesses the talents of misinformation and disinformation. She is frightfully intelligent too. Maybe she said this just to mess us (men) up.

So, there are the reasons why she will leave you. If she hasn’t left already. I hope it helps you out.
I will post 10 reasons why HE will leave in a couple of days.

My ‘1’

Posted by Dan Ochu-Baiye on

I have always loved you. It has always been you.

I fell in love with your mind. These days not so much, your mind has changed. So, the perv in me is now in love with your body.

The curious blend of your hair length and skin tone, your flair and feminine charms. Your delicate fragrances, your adorable eyes…they please my eyes. They stimulate my senses.

I love to hear you speak my queen. Your accent and diction make any subject palatable. And when you’re angry or upset, despite your tone of voice or the issue at hand, its hard to take you seriously. You are incredibly sexy when you’re angry luv!

I see you. I really do.
I don’t like you sometimes, but I still need you close by.
I am learning you more and more. Your strengths and your weaknesses.
Your capabilities and your true alliances.
I see you. I really do.

Thank you for loving me back. Thank you for trying to be my friend.
I appreciate your good graces.
I celebrate who you were; and the person you have become.
I will always love you regardless.

Lovealways babes.