Wife Material

These are a few points gleaned off a few Compadre’s. A couple of them I’m thoroughly ashamed to be affiliated with; a few mere acquaintances rendered garrulous after a few bottles of neutral spirits, and I suspect a bit of substance abuse and misuse. I honestly suspect I caught a whiff of ‘the herbs’ off a couple of their halitoses.

The preceding paragraph sought to distance myself (rather poorly I suspect) of their questionable code of ethics… And because I’m afraid of my wife. She’s been called-to-bar almost a decade now, and owns her own chambers. Surely you can empathize?

That being said, they said, they told me how to know if that girl/woman is suitable for marriage. (Sweet Jesus help me afterward!!)

Non issue.
The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. The ways to a man’s heart are:
Fuck him
Feed him
Leave him alone! And not necessarily in that order.

Ah! “Watch her carefully on this one”, they said. Especially if the kids in question aren’t hers. And particularly if they belong to you from another woman. I gathered that you would be reading between the lines on this point. If your kid, or if kids don’t like her…well…
It would seem that even if she was a total klutz on the subject of raising kids, she is redeemable.

Very vast and ambiguous this point. “Would you trust her with your piece?” Uhmmm, since I didn’t own a sidearm I shrugged in embarrassment. Luckily the banker there seated recapitulated, “would you trust her with your unlocked phone then?” Brrrrrr! Now that is a thinker. I guess its about how she handles sensitive information. I guess its what she does with indicting and incriminating truths she knows about you. Is she Cool FM or Fort Knox? You get my drift I’m sure.

Infidelity (On your part you moron!)
A relationship is hard to evaluate when things are rosy; fairytale like. The true test of a relationship is in the face of your betrayal. Yes she ought to flip. If she don’t, run my friend, run very swiftly. Her ability to somehow forgive you and want to work it out positively is a pointer that she’s a keeper. I gathered that you should also watch her reaction and take on a story about another man’s infidelity. If she crucifies him, or men in every situation… Dude, reevaluate your position. Let’s face it, a man is only as faithful as his options. You know if you have it in you to be unfaithful. Do yourself a favour and curb such excesses or be with someone less likely to become homicidal.

If she is ambitious. Avoid her.
That’s all they said. Hey! These are not my opinions. I’m just relating stuff seven men deliberated on.

Work harder you slob! Forget the fallacy that women love money, no they don’t! They do not all fall for a guy that has money. They in truth fall for a rich guy for the  SECURITY he can offer and provide. That’s one thing women crave…security and stability. So, thou payer of rent…thou eternal borrower of money…you are treading on thin ice. I need to add that a woman would traditionally fall for a broke, upcoming man with POTENTIAL. If she knows you know your ish, she would love to grow into security and stability with you. Yeah, and some riches too. Don’t forget, the fairer sex are homebuilders by their default setting. She likes to build with her man.

Whooohooo! Hah!
Settle down sir!
Non issue.
Sex gets better with love and time. Make love to her more often than you fuck her. Leave off Viagra et al. Foreplay definitely. Break out the scrolls of the Kamasutra and experiment daily. Women are freakier than you think. They want the thrills more than you think. But she may often lapse into your pace and style and may contentedly live like that forever…till any of my seven friends show up that is.

Her mum
I approach this subject with trepidation.
The apple does not fall too far from the apple tree. While there are exceptions to every rule, this point rates 90% in high probability to happen. If she is close to her mum, and her mum is not the sort of woman you would marry…”Men of Capua! Brace yourselves!!

There! That’s all we covered. Hope it helped. I’m going to publish now and then go holy for a bit. If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow, guess my better half read this and…

P.S: To my lovely kids, I love you. Don’t hate mummy. Daddy was bad. That’s why.

Dan Ochu-Baiye

Large. Curious. Reads a lot. Wild. Loves lions and tigers. Music. Gym. Hiking. Loud music.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. zeenike

    You need new friends. Finish.

    1. Dan Ochu-Baiye

      Lolling…my sentiments exactly. But good new friends, who can provide?

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