A Woman’s Greatest Mistake

This piece is largely “a note to self”.

If you are male, kindly substitute gender and references as appropriate.

I stumbled on the writer online. Her words resonated on many levels.

I have tried to leave the manuscript as close to the original as possible. Alas, my arrogance bade me to perform rudimentary editing.

There are salient messages for women in here. For once, feel free NOT to leave a comment.

This is a public service.

This is simply correspondence that coincides with my current trend of thought.

A WOMAN’S GREATEST MISTAKE!

Honestly a woman’s greatest mistake in a relationship is letting her man find another woman to treat him the way he feels he needs to be treated.

Very often we get carried away in our relationships worrying about all of the things our men aren’t doing or are doing wrong. Forgetting to consider those things we as women are not doing or doing wrong in the relationship, which may or may not have caused the misbehaviour/ complaints we have about them.
It is sometimes like the case of the chicken and the egg, which came first? Is his behaviour as a result of your mistakes or he is just misbehaving because that is how he is?
This is a question we women tend to omit when there is a row in our relationships. We forget Newton’s law that says “to every action there is an equal reaction” also applies to our relationships.

So the next time you are carrying on and on about what your man is or has done wrong, I’ ll suggest you stop for a moment to consider what you might or not have done to trigger his reactions.
Another mistake we make is going into a new relationship with a ‘Blue Print’ on how we want our man to be like, look like, eat like, smell like, dress like, sleep like, speak like and even sometimes to think like!

We set up a standard in our heads that no human being can meet up with, without realising it.
And then when there are arguments because the poor feller is disappointing us by not being the way we expected or wanted him to be, our thoughts and emotions automatically slips into a turmoil. Putting a lot of restraints and unnecessary pressure on the relationship.
If you are lucky to have a man who is emotionally matured and strong enough to wait around to work and walk you through your misconceptions and unattainable expectations, then there could still be hope for your relationship. This is often times not the case because most men would not wait around to develop hypertension because of a woman.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying a girl shouldn’t have a standard, but please set realistic standards and go into a relationship with an open mind because then there would be no grave disappointments.
(And if) you both have any incompatibility that is crucial for the survival of the relationship, it will be easier and less painful to detect. Saving you both time and emotional disturbances.
Another mistake we make is loving our men the way we want to be loved but not the way he wants to be loved.

Yes you heard me right!
The problem is that most us have developed a fantasy of how a man should show us love, based on reading too many romance novels and watching too many western romantic films that are mostly fictional and based on a writer’s fantasy in another continent. Where their traditions and culture are different from ours. We expect cakes, roses and candlelight dinners during courtship in a country where roses are imported, where cake is not our local snack and candles are used either for praying or to see in the dark after ‘NEPA’ takes the light!

What am trying to say is that love doesn’t have to materialise itself like it is described in Mills and Boons or any of these other books and movies.

According to relationship Guru Gary Chapman, there are five Love Languages. In his book; How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. He explains that these 5 love languages are:
Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy).

Everyone of us identifies love through one or more of these languages. And so will only want to receive love in those languages.
So what this means is that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive.
Each person is said to have one primary and one secondary love language. Chapman suggests that to discover a love language, one must observe the way he expresses love to others.
Women, analyse what your man complains about most often, and what he requests from you most often.
People tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love. It is best to find out your partner’s love language so as to be able to love him duly.

Chapman suggests that people’s love languages do not change over time, but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways.
So if your partner is one that is touchy then you need to understand the best way to love him or her is to be regularly intimate with him/her.
If it’s gift that does the trick then come up with a way of fulfilling that wish.
If yours is all about how much they want to spend quality time with you then you know the best way to love them is to spend more time with them, not necessarily for sex but just time to be together.
And those whose love language is through words of affirmation, will always want to be told how much they are been loved, missed and appreciated.
So if you are not the expressive type and this is your partner ‘s love language, then I suggest you start working on how to get comfortable with words. Words don’t have to be spoken, they can also be written.
For those who’s love language is in the act of service (devotion). Be ready to be there for him/ her whenever needed. This are men and women we often tag ‘needy’.
The best love language they understand is when there partners are physically and mentally ready to help solve their problems, whether big or small.
So ladies, do not let another woman get to understand your man’ s love language before you. Show him love the way he understands it. And stop making the mistake of comparing your man to your ex or to your friends man or even to your father!

Love him for him so he can love you for you.

” you want to be you, so let me too be me ”

Credits :-

http://www.facebook/accordingtosobj

http://nigeriacamera.net/51319-2/

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10 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Sex

I have always been committed to traumatising the prudes amongst us.

I belong to a school of thought that ties a lot to the beautiful art (and act) of sex. We think it is the answer to a lot of things.

Idiots!

Well, whilst conducting routine research, I stumbled upon this post. “Why hoard these nuggets of wisdom?” I thought to myself.
And benevolently and magnanimously decided to share (and maybe traumatise) you with them.

As always, #caveatuploadingdisclaimerinsertedhere# the following nuggets are for the consumption of readers aged eighteen (18) and above. And though I didn’t write… Blah, blah blah…

“Freud called female sexuality “the dark continent”; if that’s true, male sexuality could qualify as the dark planet. But when it comes to sex, guys are simple, right? Not true. The bedroom is one of the great stages of male performance, and as such, what you see and hear is typically the role, not the reality. It’s no wonder, in trying to please the actor, a woman loses sight of a guy’s true identity. Here are 10 “unmasking” facts you may want to know:

1. We respond to praise.
It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.

2. We fear intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins — of words, thoughts, feelings — and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men — not because it’s smothering, but because we realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

3. We appreciate sex for sex’s sake.
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.

4. We are not just our…
The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.

5. We encourage fantasies.
“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Dr. Schaefer also reports that men wish women would reveal theirs. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort recommends asking the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.

6. We like it when you talk.
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.

7. We need your honesty. 
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or that you only do certain things on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.

8. We enjoy the dance.
Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow us to court you; make us deserve your desire. Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual desire demands a certain amount of distance.” How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls “separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or letting other men look at her; for her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties.

9. We can explain pornography.
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely your partner is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains: How does a woman not take pornography personally? First, determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr. Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for honesty, dignity and closeness.

10. We always need it, but not for the reason you think.
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer. “They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress, reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.”

Credits;
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com
Brendan Tapley.