This piece is largely “a note to self”.
If you are male, kindly substitute gender and references as appropriate.
I stumbled on the writer online. Her words resonated on many levels.
I have tried to leave the manuscript as close to the original as possible. Alas, my arrogance bade me to perform rudimentary editing.
There are salient messages for women in here. For once, feel free NOT to leave a comment.
This is a public service.
This is simply correspondence that coincides with my current trend of thought.
A WOMAN’S GREATEST MISTAKE!
Honestly a woman’s greatest mistake in a relationship is letting her man find another woman to treat him the way he feels he needs to be treated.
Very often we get carried away in our relationships worrying about all of the things our men aren’t doing or are doing wrong. Forgetting to consider those things we as women are not doing or doing wrong in the relationship, which may or may not have caused the misbehaviour/ complaints we have about them.
It is sometimes like the case of the chicken and the egg, which came first? Is his behaviour as a result of your mistakes or he is just misbehaving because that is how he is?
This is a question we women tend to omit when there is a row in our relationships. We forget Newton’s law that says “to every action there is an equal reaction” also applies to our relationships.
So the next time you are carrying on and on about what your man is or has done wrong, I’ ll suggest you stop for a moment to consider what you might or not have done to trigger his reactions.
Another mistake we make is going into a new relationship with a ‘Blue Print’ on how we want our man to be like, look like, eat like, smell like, dress like, sleep like, speak like and even sometimes to think like!
We set up a standard in our heads that no human being can meet up with, without realising it.
And then when there are arguments because the poor feller is disappointing us by not being the way we expected or wanted him to be, our thoughts and emotions automatically slips into a turmoil. Putting a lot of restraints and unnecessary pressure on the relationship.
If you are lucky to have a man who is emotionally matured and strong enough to wait around to work and walk you through your misconceptions and unattainable expectations, then there could still be hope for your relationship. This is often times not the case because most men would not wait around to develop hypertension because of a woman.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying a girl shouldn’t have a standard, but please set realistic standards and go into a relationship with an open mind because then there would be no grave disappointments.
(And if) you both have any incompatibility that is crucial for the survival of the relationship, it will be easier and less painful to detect. Saving you both time and emotional disturbances.
Another mistake we make is loving our men the way we want to be loved but not the way he wants to be loved.
Yes you heard me right!
The problem is that most us have developed a fantasy of how a man should show us love, based on reading too many romance novels and watching too many western romantic films that are mostly fictional and based on a writer’s fantasy in another continent. Where their traditions and culture are different from ours. We expect cakes, roses and candlelight dinners during courtship in a country where roses are imported, where cake is not our local snack and candles are used either for praying or to see in the dark after ‘NEPA’ takes the light!
What am trying to say is that love doesn’t have to materialise itself like it is described in Mills and Boons or any of these other books and movies.
According to relationship Guru Gary Chapman, there are five Love Languages. In his book; How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. He explains that these 5 love languages are:
Gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy).
Everyone of us identifies love through one or more of these languages. And so will only want to receive love in those languages.
So what this means is that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive.
Each person is said to have one primary and one secondary love language. Chapman suggests that to discover a love language, one must observe the way he expresses love to others.
Women, analyse what your man complains about most often, and what he requests from you most often.
People tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love. It is best to find out your partner’s love language so as to be able to love him duly.
Chapman suggests that people’s love languages do not change over time, but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways.
So if your partner is one that is touchy then you need to understand the best way to love him or her is to be regularly intimate with him/her.
If it’s gift that does the trick then come up with a way of fulfilling that wish.
If yours is all about how much they want to spend quality time with you then you know the best way to love them is to spend more time with them, not necessarily for sex but just time to be together.
And those whose love language is through words of affirmation, will always want to be told how much they are been loved, missed and appreciated.
So if you are not the expressive type and this is your partner ‘s love language, then I suggest you start working on how to get comfortable with words. Words don’t have to be spoken, they can also be written.
For those who’s love language is in the act of service (devotion). Be ready to be there for him/ her whenever needed. This are men and women we often tag ‘needy’.
The best love language they understand is when there partners are physically and mentally ready to help solve their problems, whether big or small.
So ladies, do not let another woman get to understand your man’ s love language before you. Show him love the way he understands it. And stop making the mistake of comparing your man to your ex or to your friends man or even to your father!
Love him for him so he can love you for you.
” you want to be you, so let me too be me ”