Lost

All you said, were mine
All you did was for me
All you were; was me.

Now you speak and I hear another
Now you act and I see him
Now all I see is him.

So, I love another
So, I no longer bother
So…? I know no longer.

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Signs That He Is Falling Out Of Love With You

Insidious series of happenstance this one.

You scarcely see it coming.

I doubt if even he saw it coming.

It is often the case that he has fallen out of love with you, but still loves you. He is no longer in love with you, but loves you still. No zing, no zest, nothing special, just there.

If you are lucky, you may be able to narrow it down to a defining occurrence and thus have the power to reverse or repeat the said occurrence depending on your preferred outcome.

Most of us however, would prefer to keep our love-interest. Nurture them. Raise kids with them. Sleep with them, blah… blah… blah…

Aiight, then these are the signs to watch out for, and of course to guard against…

And oh Blondie… Don’t go brandishing this list in his face. Antagonising a wounded tiger yields bloody consequences.
This list is a merely a selection from a plethora of symptoms, you my luv, is (primarily) the disease…

Dan?! You stoic, insensitive, chauvinistic wanker!!!

As I was saying…

1) Lack of Affection

No more gentle caresses. No more pet names? He calls you by your name these days? Sweet texts, voicemail messages all dried up? Textual intercourse ‘interuptus’?
Surely you get my drift so far? If not… I am not qualified to assist you specifically.

2) Lack of Depth

I’m referring to the depth of your relationship. It’s foundation. How did you meet? Where? Why are you together? “I love you” or worse still, “oh baby I think I love you” is not enough to build a lasting relationship. When the storms of life hit you both, it’s the depth of your relationship, the depth of his love that will be tested.

3) Lack of Compatibility

He’s a Christian, you’re a Muslim. And neither will cross over. He’s a mobster, you’re a chorister. He goes to a Methodist church, you Pentecostal. He’s a labourer-for-hire, you, a medical doctor.
You can’t afford to be at odds is my point. It helps to be headed in the same direction.
Love will mostly be found where the heart is heading.

4) Lack of Fulfillment

Everyone serves a purpose. At least you are supposed to. Your man has needs just like you do. He wants things a certain way, because he has dreams of where he wants to take his family to.
He may need a business partner in you. Maybe a mother.
Maybe a shoulder to cry on.
Maybe a confidant.
Maybe all the above forever, maybe in times of crises.
Repeated failure to fulfill these needs will cause him to fall back to himself. Or rely on another. You’re not in the picture anymore.

5) Lack of Attraction

It can die. Sex and attraction are very important ingredients.
It can fade. Maybe it’s of your making or he just lost the spark he used to feel for you.
Attraction is key. It is usually intangible. But it’s effects are physically expressed. It is there or not.

6) Lack of Need

If he no longer feels like you need him. Ultimately he will fall out of love with the relationship you have. No problem with you, just the type of relationship he has. That is an indication of love lost. Wait…for…it…

7) Lack of Communication

If he has slowly lapsed into silence around you or things you do, sister… He is going.
Again, if your man has stopped talking to you generally… Or on specific subjects… He is going.
If he always clams up around you even when it’s obvious that something is bothering him, sister, he is going.
If he has stopped fellowshipping with you via heart to heart talks, sister, he is going.

Communication is everything in a relationship. Not love. Communication.

A man won’t confide in you simply because he does not trust you, or cannot see your value/input to the situation.

8) Lack of Loyalty

Men value loyalty and will often pull away from those people who they feel are no longer backing them. If a man’s girlfriend let’s them down or listens to everyone’s opinions before they listen to theirs, then chances are he will be deeply hurt and pull away. If the situation continues this will cause him to fall out of love.

Those are some of the salient signs in my opinion.

What to do if the above is going on in your relationship? I offer three steps…

1) Change your ways. It’s a relationship… So… Relate. Make it a deep fellowship.

2) Ask direct questions as to what you are doing wrong and how you can make it right. Knowledge is power.

3) He is human. His wants and needs are dynamic. And quite frankly tedious and oppressive.
Forget him!

Point Of ‘No Return’

When you know that nothing will ever be the same again.
That decision to free yourself from numb and pain.

The wisdom that shows there’s nothing more to gain.
The resolve to wash yourself free of their stain.

The obvious; the lies, the ridicule, the disrespect…all plain.
The hurt, the injustice, the calumny, pure disdain.

My resignation. I’m numb. I AM free of this chain.
When you finally realise; that, nothing will ever be the same again.

Zainab Ahmed

She died quite tragically over a decade ago.

Quite literally in my arms. The details; I choose to have selective amnesia about. Suffice it to say that her passing was tragic. In deed and indeed.

What I can tell you about her though, is that she was slim. Lithe. Yet well-endowed. The compound adjective a couple of words back, only obvious to one other person alive, apart from Zainab…and maybe the persons that performed her final bathing (Islamic) rites.

The thing about Zainab was convoluted. she was larger than life. You only needed to see her once, you would remember her forever. I knew her better than most.

I have been out of town a few days now. Just flew in hours ago.

For security reasons, I cannot say where I have been. She died in that town. The town had roads, alleys, streetlights, and people though. If that helps.

I am bit of a fitness nut, so every evening at about 8 p.m, I would take brisk thirty-minute walks.

I have been away since Thursday. I commenced my ‘spirited’ routine on Friday.

Yesterday, as the days before, I had just jogged across a busy road, rife with unreasonable motorists, kept the pace under a flyover, scanned my right for oncoming traffic in a microsecond, and covered that road in a few seconds. i decelerated into my power-walk as soon as my Nike’s touched the sidewalk.

I had by now approached a hard right, so I slowed. The second I turned the corner, my hairs prickled. Maybe it was because the street was dark? No! Something was off. I slowed even more and narrowed my eyes as my visual purple readjusted slowly to the poor lighting.

Then I saw her. Walking just in front of me. I know Zainab’s sashay. I know that plain, white t-shirt. I knew that black skirt and the way she wore her braided hair. Above all, my nose knows. It never fails me. I know that particular whiff of Gold Oudh…it was made specifically for her. It is not commercially available.

Light-headed and hyperventilating, I walked on, following. She was about two meters ahead and turned right suddenly. I was at that intersection in about three seconds.

It was a dead end! My original path lay ahead. i halted and stared in awe,

‘Zee?’ I remember calling out. her fragrance still hung heavy in the one meter by one meter dead end.

Nothing. Zilch.

I slowly turned back the way I came.

And for the first time in twenty three years, and finally, I wept for Zainab. I mourned her passing finally.

R.I.P Zee…

I don’t know what yesterday was about Zee, but, I see you.