Man of The House

The signs are always there. We choose to ignore them.

Try to freeze chunks of time in your relationship.

Study those chunks. Even if in retrospect…

There were telltale signs I am sure. That instant when you know or knew that it was going to work or not.

But as humans we tend to make excuses for people we care about.

Unfortunately for you, what you just read has nothing to do directly with the story I want to rant at you.

Unfortunately for me, this story is about a woman I know.

The one that gave me premium value from the get go.

Probably the only woman who has ever loved me more than her own life.


I am of a truth beloved.

I am not sure how I feel as I write this to you. I think I should be angry, but no… Exasperated perhaps?

This rant is a rant. It was not crafted to win any awards.

I just dey vex!


I am not going to reinforce your negativity.

I met her about three years ago. I am a consultant, on a lifetime retainer for Kogi state. We were (and still) shooting documentaries on heritage sites in Kogi state.

She is the niece of one of the project managers. The details escape me, but I was drawn to her. As was any man that beheld her.

Her beauty is arresting. But that is not just her allure.

She is tall for a woman. Statuesque. You could not miss her. But… That is not just her allure either…

Have you ever met a woman you just wanted to ravish?

Hot heat!

Sizzling… Primal… Basic.

The- only- thing- on- your- mind- not- say-able kind of woman?

That kind of woman your fantasies run amok over for.

Your aphrodisiac.

Your erotica.

Your spec!

Your mind-boggling, brain-debilitating addiction… over and over again?

And the minxes usually know, do they not? They are always aware of the power they have over men. And they intentionally rope those men into a rhapsody of their whims and caprices… Do they not?

Back I insist, to my tale of she and I…

Maybe because of something I said or did serendipitously, I was victorious.

No I did not win her heart or anything like that. I won! Everybody on that team (including her uncle) wagered to be the first to bed her.

We all placed bets.

Not my finest hour but I too participated.

I penetrated her defenses.

I made her mine She is mine. She belongs to me.

And she knows it.

That is how I met her.

In a bid to keep any woman you want; do you not give aplenty? yield often? And under negotiate? And lose every atom of common sense?

No? Not you? It did not happen to you? At all?

You are a liar! An effin’ liar!!

I was as one enchanted it must have seemed.

Well, for reasons best known to my genitals I followed her to her village. To ‘meet her people’.

If you are of African descent, I know you understand my foolishness when I say that I went there alone.

Just the two of us.

No one from my family knew.

I was as one enchanted it must have seemed.

Her hometown is renown for their colorful and quite frankly notorious masquerades and festivals. Some of these festivals and masquerades are so mystic that I hear women are not allowed to witness them.

As feared and revered as these masquerades are, upon sighting she and I from a distance, the largest of the masquerades broke routine. It ran toward us and prostrated before her in deference.

Not me.

Not us.


And I stood gasping in admiration instead of running for the hills yeah?

I was as one enchanted it must have seemed.

And then we got married. Despite the admonition!

May I please have your attention…?

Please tell Solomon to be careful. Tell him to avoid me. Help him understand that he does not want my brand of problems.

‘Who is Solomon?’ I hear your beautiful mind ask… He is no one!

He was an iota of the mundane dismissed.

Please tell him that I have heard the stories he is peddling. That I have listened to the ugly lies he is spewing.

His unwise comments have been brought to my attention.

He says that she has bewitched me. That I have been ‘jazzed’. That her juju has me ‘whipped’. That her love spells have addled my brain.

Dear Solomon,

I am a progressive thought. I operate principles your lineage may never ascribe to.

I made my life. Now I make yours. Or un-make it in the exact sense of my words.

You will not understand my words because you are not. Do not bother rereading that sentence brother, it has escaped you indefinitely.

She is mine!

I am her first and only. I am her foremost. I am… her.

Dude, I manifested her from thought!

Can the clay ask the Potter anything?

Shall the hymen give verbal protest at impending Rupture?



Has it ever been heard that stupidity hardened into fact?

That idiocy fornicated with that fact, and your good self became the unfortunate consequence?

I am vast, Solomon.

Contrary to what you are thinking, this is not a stinker. I am not insulting you. It is not my wish to embarrass you even.

What I am doing is a Principle applied to the end as I wish it.

It has served its purpose.

I know you do not understand Solomon.

You will not.

I am the man of the house Solomon.


Be gone…

With you I am done…


Dan Ochu-Baiye

Large. Curious. Reads a lot. Wild. Loves lions and tigers. Music. Gym. Hiking. Loud music.