The Auditor 

Felix realized too late that he had made a mistake. 

Chibuzor was too much of an ass to be this nice. Plus, the shady character Chibuzor had arrived with did not help curb his feeling of foreboding. 

As they both leaned over his shoulder, their fetid halitoses reeked of cannabis. That fact did little to ease his growing sense of unease. 

They had both failed his subtle tests of focus and concentration, they were clearly too high to vet or verify his accounting. So, they were in his hotel room for something else. 

 “Does the printer have paper at all?” He casually asked glancing toward his right hand side. 

Predictably, Chibuzor went towards the contraption, Felix rose swiftly but the other character was faster. Felix felt the sharp prick in his buttocks through his pajama bottoms. He immediately delivered a mule kick backwards. The grunt and satisfying squelch of the characters’ testicles was all the proof he needed as assurance of success. 

He swung his laptop viciously into the head of Chibuzor in one fluid motion. Chibuzor crumbled noiselessly. 

He felt the debilitating pain seconds later. He collapsed gently. From the floor he groped for his infinix hot note 2 on the table and feverishly punched in his password. He opened the application be was looking for and hit ‘OK’. With rapidly blurring vision he inputed his secret password and pressed ‘OK’ again. 

He managed to lock his screen just as the most intense flash of pain shot from his heart to his brain…and then everything went black… 


Monica sat forward, I had her attention. Her identical twin Monique favored me with intense scrutiny. 

They were usually very attractive sisters. Exaggerated vital statistics on women that were not tall… A very pleasant sight to behold, very easy on the eyes and soul. Please take it from me. 
I have been Felix’s account officer for over a year now. 
He was transferred into town to be with his wife Monica. They had been married for a little under two years. 

Felix came into town with his social guns blazing. He was a HASHER® through and through. A MANTREKKER® also… He was a very active participant in both hiking associations. He naturally (as an accountant and a Certified Financial Analyst) handled the post of treasurer in both groups. All payments for hikes and tours were made to and through his accounts. He was impeccable with money. The HASH® was almost three hundred members strong. MANTREKKERS® about a hundred and fifty members. The sheer volume of bookkeeping he had to handle was bewildering. Yet his finances were always conducted and balanced impeccably. 

I watched as tears coursed down her face as I handed over Felix’s statement of account and the contents of his safety deposit box. 

Ordinarily, your husband owning a home in a decent part of town should be good news. But this was a unique situation. 

Ordinarily, your husband transferring a hundred million in cash to your company account should be good news. But this was a very unique situation. 

Ordinarily, your husband making you his next of kin to his estate which included accounts totaling hundreds of millions should be good news. But this was one hell of a unique situation. 

The commotion outside was becoming calamitous. I rose and held out my hand to her, weeping she took my hand and rose. I led her outside… I made sure I had my arm around Monique’s waist, I had long range plans for her. She hadn’t gotten that memo yet. 

We were greeted by  a cacophony of cheers, screams, catcalls and a rousing ovation. 

“God bless you madam!”

“Oga Felix dey for heaven!”

“We are solidly behind you!”

“Aunty, nothing do you!”

I watched Monica’s face as it froze in a curious mask of sorrow, surprise, shock and happiness. Over three hundred people were gathered within the grounds and outside the gates. Powerbikes could be heard lustily roaring nearby. 

Felix was a ‘biker’ too. 

Monica glanced at me in dire need of some explanation. I drew her voluptuous twin tighter to me as I elucidated. 

To say Felix committed suicide was as ridiculous and as improbable as a child meeting a suicidal tiger for a Chicken Caesar salad in a restaurant in Abu Dhabi. 

To say that Felix embezzled close to a billion naira was as ridiculous and as improbable as a child having sex with an unimpaired giraffe in the middle of Trafalgar square. 

Yet, the official cause of death reported was suicide.

Yet, Felix’s office had attempted to freeze his accounts through various antigraft agencies and via multiple court injunctions, citing fraud. 

He had been in touch with me the entire time he was auditing the company headquarters in Lagos.

Felix was my friend, we go way back. He was a hothead. A speed freak. A gym rat. And a very good and honest Christian. His word was his bond. He had integrity. 

He was the natural choice to head the audit of the curiously defunct head office. Within days he had evidence on the scope and magnitude of a number of large-scale fraud.

And he would not play ‘ball’. 

One of the drawbacks of wire transfers… About a billion Naira was wired into his account overnight and the perpetrators sought to blackmail him. Either way, he was screwed he told me. These people were old aristocracy, had old ties in government and with access to old enchantments. 

One of the drawbacks of Internet money transfers (and an account officer that is your friend and high up the management ladder); at some point before he died, Felix transferred millions of Naira from the cash intended for his blackmail into the accounts of every HASHER®, MANTREKKER®, CHOIR MEMBER, BIKER AND FRIEND. It would seem that every account detail he ever handled, he inexplicably stored. It seemed that Felix transferred at least a million Naira to every account he could remember just before he died. 

The crowd here comprised of gratefully ecstatic Hashers®, Mantrekkers® et al, gathered to offer thanks (and swear allegiance and protection) to his widow, Monica. 

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11 responses to “The Auditor 

  1. Nice. As always. This particular one had a bit of purple/flowery prose. I hazard its intentional but can be quite distracting from the fast reading flow of the story. Or maybe it was just me. But the story itself is cool. The intro too is interesting enough to get the reader started

    Liked by 1 person

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