The Guys’ Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) We always hear “the rules” from the¬†female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

image

1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1) Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1) Crying is blackmail.

1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1) If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1) If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1) If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really.

1) Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1) You have enough clothes.

1) You have too many shoes.

1) I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1) Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Credits:

Respect – large (In a Jamaican accent), to the genius that strung these together.
Bless you. Where ever you may be.

Advertisements

Legion

There be the warriors
Capable of seizing Hades by his scrotum
And making him squeal.

There be the sages
Capable of many things
Yet discerning, to forsake many things.

There be the in-betwixt
Capable of striking balance
For everyone, but for no one.

There be the divergent
Capable of eluding classification
Enigmas, provocateurs, abominations.

There are many kinds of us
Regardless, we each bear arms
Regardless, we each bear scars
There are many kinds of us

The Chronicles Of Chrioni: Interviewing God

I was in Asaba, Delta state this past weekend. I elected to go by road. It was fun. 

We stopped at Lokoja, Kogi state for light refreshments.
My girlfriend recently commissioned a water park there, Enez Waterworld.
The place is a wonder.
Pure genius.
A very pregnant cash cow there.

Somewhere within the fish market, I stopped to ogle at some beads. I chose there to flirt back at the cutest four – year old Fulani child in her mother’s arms. 

The child started it. 

In the end, I think I won the hearts of mother and child. 

Harmless fun. 

There was an envelope placed under the wiper of my truck by the time we got back to the convoy of vehicles. Between the windscreen and the wiper.
We were traveling with military escorts armed to the teeth. They were supposed to stand guard at all times. Yet none of them saw the delivery guy. Even though two of them were stationed by the vehicle the entire time.

The envelope was addressed to me.

The Tactical Response military attach√© returned the envelope seven minutes later and declared it anthrax free… et al.

Lovely cursive… Faint smell of myrrh.
Yes, myrrh.
I just know the fragrance, I am gifted like that.
I rarely allow contributions to my blog. But this I had to allow. Let me know your thoughts…

{“To the entirety of creation,
As penned by my own hand, in my capacity as chief scribe, I Chrioni, messenger of ‘The Holy of Holies’, doth write…

‘The Most High’ simply summoned me, Chrioni, to take notes. I was not privy to the “how” or the “why” of the interview.

‘El Shaddai’ was clearly interested in this lady. He seemed to have toned down His glory a bit. He seemed to be trying to get her comfortable by appearing more human.

She looked desperate, hungry …, ordinary actually.
But then we messengers are yet to fully comprehend what ‘Jehovah Tsidkenu’ sees in humanity.

I took my place adjacent to them both. She sat directly opposite ‘Jehovah Rapha.’

Ask Me…” His usually thunderous voice gently prompted.

“Where did you come from Lord?” She quipped. Her voice was steady and clear, devoid of fear or intimidation.

‘Jehovah Rohi’ smiled and simply replied, I AM!

He went on to add, “Your real quest is not to know where I am from. You wonder how I do all I do. You wonder why I allow what I permit. You, (more than most) , are truly interested in My Mind. You want to know what makes Me ‘God’.”

The human nodded enthusiastically.

“…My ‘powers’ are not anchored to my whereabouts. My ability is not power at all.
Power is how you rationalize my essence. My essence is my imagination.
All of creation is simply how I imagined it to be…
This ability is latent in all of humanity.
There is nothing impossible to you…
Hold a thought progressively until you see it. Then speak what you have seen…”

The ‘Strong and Breasted One’ spoke with the human for a long time.

I am not permitted to divulge all they spoke of.
For reasons best known to ‘The Author and The Finisher of Our Faith’ , on this day, He granted an interview to a mortal. A woman of uncommon beauty and faith.

After the interview, He bade me to seek another human.
You, Dan Ochu-Baiye.
He said you would do the needful with this text.

Though it was she that interviewed Him, He forbade her to talk about the time spent with Him ever after.

May The Lamb and all the twelve elders bear me witness…
May The Comforter and every messenger able to, bear me witness…

I have completed my task. I have done as instructed.

By my own hand,

Chrioni.“}