There are things that happen to us that are truly epic. Those incredulous moments where vulgarity or other (in)appropriate expletives would simply not suffice.

Those circumstances that once shared with a second party would replicate that “oh my God!!!” exclamation.

Yes I am aware that a few of us prefer the four letter exclamations…
I’m also aware that even in the presence of divinity; angels and maybe Jesus… You’d still swear and curse by way of exclamations, and then blame it on the devil later (shame on you!)…

There are situations that may arise and the “f” or “s” letter words may not readily come to mind.
Or they may just not be appropriate.

Those moments may be ‘OMG!!!’ moments.

I have a few of such moments:-

1) That jaw-dropping (OMG!!!) moment when you get to meet your wife’s, girlfriend’s, or lover’s ex and the dude looks like a cross between Chewbacca and Groot. And behaves like a cross between Shrek and Bigfoot.

And you find yourself wondering how on earth she spread her legs (or however) to sleep with this E.T?!

Of course you’re no Brad Pitt or Idris Elba yourself, but… Da-yuhmm! “This thing slept with you luv?!”

And then you get to thinking that maybe, maybe, just maybe you shortchanged yourself.

And that she stepped up; and you reached down.

2) That irretrievable (OMG!!!) moment when a respected public figure like a judge or senator or minister makes a statement like;

“notary republic” (notary public)

or “a brown new car” (brand new car)

or “how comes…” (how come)

…on live TV.

3) The awe-inspiring (OMG!!!) moment when you realise that your boo has actually out-eaten or out-drunk your (reasonable) expectations.

Their tendency to gluttony hits you in that instant.

Revulsion laced with wonder grips your soul… You’re hitched to someone that will certainly disgrace you at dinner functions and will one day eat you when they’re hungry!

4) That fart…


You know it when you hear it volcano-ing from your beloveds’ poorly conditioned sphincter or when the stench of their poorly forecast effulgence makes your eyes water in misery, horror and disbelief.

Has it ever roused you from sleep?
No, not the power bike sounding fart… I mean the horror film, demonic presence, sulphuric, cloying repugnance that envelopes you to the point of suffocation till you gasp awake screaming, “Master carest not that I perish?!”

5) So you and your mates are at your favourite spot drinking and someone in the bar that has been drinking all night, (stretches or yawns, then) just slumps face forward dead.


Yes dead.



True story by the way.
One in Nigeria. The other in Ukraine.

We sobered INSTANTLY in Nigeria.

They burst into spontaneous applause in Kiev. The chap there is a legend till this day.

“Vladimir drank himself to death…” They still whisper in admiration.

6) Observing your Traffic Manual’s rules and regulations, you approach a freeway. You slow down because it’s an intersection…when suddenly a speed demon on a power bike blazes past you onto the freeway… And is immediately broadsided by a Porsche Cayenne… The rider is sent flying about ten feet high and floating horizontally about fifteen feet before hitting the asphalt with a sickening thud… And the momentum gained still pushing his crumpled body another foot or so along the asphalt.

Yeah, true story too.

Right before my eyes.

Are you retarded?! Of course he died!!


Dan Ochu-Baiye

Large. Curious. Reads a lot. Wild. Loves lions and tigers. Music. Gym. Hiking. Loud music.

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