The Proper Way To Sell Your Body

Prostitutes.
Whores.
Courtesans.
Call girls…
whatever name you go by; I love you.

Now that we have sentimentsslashemotions respectfully expressed, let us proceed.

I have had the unique experience of becoming the friend of a prostitute. Two actually.
And no, (idiot!) I slept with neither.
Time and chance simply happened.
We became very fast friends.

I’ve met all sorts (I’m sure you have too. No? Liar!); career prostitutes, short-term prostitutes, crackhead prostitutes, hard up students, hard up foreigners, thrill seekers, greedy ladies…all sorts!

You quickly get to realise that these ladies of easy virtue are actually human. Who would have thunk it? Seriously, because with what they put up with sexually for money, I used to think they were cyborgs.

They are quite interesting.
A few are very intelligent, most of them are quite vacuous mentally, and some are just plain sick.
But they are mostly human nonetheless.

Because of how I was raised, I have taken it upon myself to educate existing and potential prostitutes on the proper way to do things.

I think the risks attached to prostitution are too dire, and grave. I humbly depose that prostitution be a last resort.
The job description is rough.
Perks of the job ridiculous.
Job satisfaction, doubtful.
On-job-promotion…oh please! Retirement benefits, uhmmm …
(see my point yet?)

When it comes to selling your body, these super-profitable strategies present alternatives and distinguish the (working smart) women from the (working hard) girls…

1) Sell your breast milk

Starting with the least profitable (@ $3/ounce), there is apparently a market for breast milk. Note of caution to would-be patrons, random testing of hundreds of breast milk samples have shown presence of contamination and disease causing bacteria. The findings were ruled “Unintentional Contamination.”

2) Sell your blood and plasma

You can make up to $200 a month from various donations of your blood. If you pass the screening that is. Anita, I suggest you lay off marijuana a week before your ‘donation’…#justsaying#

3) Sell your hair

You can make up to $1500 dollars if you have very long and straight hair. Non-dyed. Definitely not grey. And not shorter than ten inches.

4) Sell your body by ‘lab-testing’

Pharmaceutical companies pay up to $5000 to individuals that help them test their new drugs. There are contracts to sign and possibly an irate dad or loved one who may kill you should you survive this extreme venture.

5) Sell your eggs

For your time and energy, some companies will pay from $5000 – $8000 for your eggs. Age is typically 21-35, no smoking, no drugs, no high Body Mass Index. And yeah…, definitely no mental health issues (hehehehe)…

6) Sell your womb ‘space’

Gestational surrogacy can fetch you from $20000 – $35000. Contracts to be signed too. And no (Blondie), you don’t get to keep the baby.

I’m not expecting you to thank me…sigh…its a thankless job, public service!

Just think on these alternatives though, who knows?

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2 responses to “The Proper Way To Sell Your Body

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