Sexual Mileage

I rarely dream.
Even when I do, I can’t remember the dream when I wake up.
It usually takes coincidence to make me remember I’ve dreamt.
Even then, its in bits and pieces.

But I remember this one.

Obviously the dream has been smoothened out for your ease of understanding.

I awoke in an alternate universe of sorts.
In that place, it was just like earth as we know it. Life was exactly as it is now…wherever you are.
The only anomaly was with us humans.
In my alternate universe we had luminous digits on our foreheads. Just like the dashboard of a car.

I will get to the digits later.

The digits were visible only if you wanted to see them. If I met you and gazed perfunctorily, I’d just see you. If I gazed purposefully at your forehead, the digits would come up for as long as I looked with the intent to see.

Now the digits…

Top right of the forehead showed the persons age.
The middle of the forehead showed the amount of sex had till date in kilometers… Oh yes!
Top left of the forehead showed the last ‘sexcapade’ in kilometers.

So at a glance you could ascertain the sexual experience/awareness of potential partners.

It was not clear in the dream how sexual activity was calculated and subsequently converted to kilometers, but it was a generally accepted system.

I was out on a date with a twenty-year old there. Her stats were mind boggling! She had tallied 146,646 kilometers already. Her last trip showed 2,347 kilometers… “Must have been an orgy or ménage à trois,” I thought.

Then there was my mate. A garrulous chap aged thirty. Always bragging about what a stud he was and how he had bedded all the girls (except your mum and sister of course), he had 25,000 kilometers and a last trip of 0.5 kilometers… Hmmm…masturbation or wet dream definitely.

Oh and sister so-and-so…big on church and religious activities.
Age 28
sexual mileage 205,311
Last trip 0.2 kilometers.
Guess she might have lived a tad permissively before giving her life to Christ. But, who am I to judge?

My ‘bestie’ was female. A living sexual fantasy, had all the attention and men begging with cash incentives.
Tuku had a sexual mileage of 0. Last trip 1,000. Age 33.
Incredulous I wangled a confession out of her.
She was still a virgin and was lesbian/bisexual. Always wanted to save it for someone she loved, who was heterosexual and who was more experienced… Like myself she shyly concluded.

“I’m not that experienced!” I replied hotly. Typically missing the emotional angle.

“Dan, you’re 35 years old. Your sexual mileage is 312,987 kilometers. Your last trip was 10,201 kilometers! We parted at 11 pm last night. Your last trip then was 6,000 kilometers. How did you rack up 10,201 kilometers in eight hours?!”

My live-in-lover told me I woke up crying out, “no…no…no…!!!”

Dan Ochu-Baiye

Large. Curious. Reads a lot. Wild. Loves lions and tigers. Music. Gym. Hiking. Loud music.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Tuesday

    Yes silly but quite illuminating! trying to calculate how to age backwards now…..

    1. Dan Ochu-Baiye

      Tuesday!! Been a while. Age backwards…hmmm its possible i guess. In real life that is. Lol…in my alternate universe, it would be impossible. I have a few ideas though.

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