For The Married (Part 1)

So you’ve snagged yourself a companion…

Maybe even wangled a ring? Or even audience with a minister… Married huh? Bully for you! Don’t know you personally, but I’m one for progress and fruitful relationships. My warm congratulations.

How long now? Are things waning slightly? Not as rosy as you thought? Interference experienced?

You’re thinking, “must be his mum, her friends, her ex…Oh, Snap!! Its the devil!!!”

Well…maybe one of them. Maybe all of them. Maybe none.

But before you do anything rash, consider a few pointers as postulated (and subsequently elucidated) by a few good, decent, godly, married and older folk.

For The Married

1) Sex

No dodging this bullet…

Its how come 97% of us came to be. Oh the bliss! Nothing quite like this activity… Or not. Probably not in your case?

Sigh…

Firstly, study. Yes. Read up. Google the topic if you are at a loss. It ought to be common knowledge by now that,great lovers are made; not born.”
I have earlier posts that handle this subject.
Bottom line is that it takes effort. It is your responsibility to cater for your spouses sexual needs (tongue-in-cheek) all of them. Within reason of course (snigger…)

Secondly, Push boundaries. You are one! Reinvent your sex lives. Be innovative. Try new stuff. Break out the Kamasutra. Sex education. You are married for crying out loud, ideally you only have each other. Who best to get wild and kinky with if not with your spouse; if they are willing and/or teachable?

Third; so maybe you see your spouse surfing a porn site…or in possession of pornographic materials…and or paraphernalia?
Flip? Make a scene? Fight? Depending on your religious and moral inclinations, I guess you may be justified.
May I proffer a more diplomatic approach though? I call it informed intelligence.
Before you vent, go through the pornographic material objectively if you can. Learn what goes on in your beloved fantasies. Maybe it was a pop-up from a previous viewer? Maybe an advertisement they accidentally clicked on (yes, its been known to happen). And maybe they like porn.
If you’re lucky, its your body type they are really into. If not, you now know what to work on.
How? Consider going through the material with them. Downplay the situation. Don’t take stuff too personally. Life does not revolve around you…you are not oxygen or blood. Maybe its a position they were relishing? Consider making their fantasy come true.
Remember, to each other, you may be ice cream. But who realistically wants to eat ice cream for the rest of their lives? Exquisite as ice cream may be?
You now have the informed intelligence to vary your ice cream.
Flavour it up; Strawberry flavour? Cappuccino? There are dozens to choose from. Soft serve? Hard? On a cone? In a tub? Toppings? How many scoops? How to eat it? Lick? Suck? Your choice.
Informed intelligence empowers you. It may lend you the tact of not even bringing up the issue. Why not simply act out their fantasy for them? They would think God came through for them personally!

Fourthly, I humbly recommend that you both work on your diet.

Eat loads of bananas- women.
And snails- men.
Or…
Cucumbers- women.
Oysters- men.

Oh please! Stop rereading those lines!!

I mean cunnilingus and fellatio!

Keep up…work with me!

There’s nothing quite as intimate as the aforementioned cuisine when served in a giving and loving atmosphere.
Nothing binds quite as much as consumption of bananas and snails. No better ties to bind with.
Think of the mutual submissiveness… The humbling of one to the other and vice versa? The naughtiness? The secret and taboo dimensions…

Once in a while, toss in a bottle of wine. There’s a classic vintage I recommend. “69”. Truly unforgettable.
A pleasant shock to the palate.
Served chilled or at room temperature, this vintage will bind you to it eternally.

A toast to you both in advance.

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Point Of ‘No Return’

When you know that nothing will ever be the same again.
That decision to free yourself from numb and pain.

The wisdom that shows there’s nothing more to gain.
The resolve to wash yourself free of their stain.

The obvious; the lies, the ridicule, the disrespect…all plain.
The hurt, the injustice, the calumny, pure disdain.

My resignation. I’m numb. I AM free of this chain.
When you finally realise; that, nothing will ever be the same again.

For The Unmarried

I was at a wedding recently. I was moved to romantic heights.
It was a very refreshing event – after I woke up.

Before the romantics on board begin calling me “emotionally crippled,” something happened while I slept…yes, thank you for asking, I received a revelation. I accrued unto knowledge, an epiphany I know I am supposed to propagate.

The wedding was in Benin, Edo state. Nigeria. Hence the my partial rendition of this piece in the official Nigerian patois, “Broken English”.

For The Unmarried

1) Shine ya eye!

Good people abound. There are many lovely angels walking about pretending to be human. There is someone for everyone. Look closely is all I’m saying. Also, scrutinize! Not all that glitters is gold. Gold usually has to be discovered; laboured for, mined, cleaned, processed and then designed to look just like the goldsmith wants it to – beautiful.

2) Lion no dey born monkey!

Old habits die hard. Careful who you fall for. Oh please shut it! You can control who you fall for. Don’t even get me started on “love at first sight!” Thou evil and heartless generation! Opportunists!
I digress…apologies.
Hang around a bad person long enough, you would start to see the best side of them. Invariably start to accept them for who they are. Invariably start to accept bad things as the norm.
Funny thing about personalities is that opposites attract. Yet the very character that attracts two lovers, would be the same character that eventually causes friction. Usually enough to separate the lovers.
If you hang around questionable establishments, you will find questionable friends and maybe questionable love. More often than not, if they were pretending they revert to type down the road. With you in tow, my (now questionable) friend.

3) No carry ya wife do girlfriend

Do not treat a good woman badly. Do not toy with a good man either.
Many people lose out on love out of shortsightedness. They treat their best choices of suitable life partners shabbily – like a fling, and never quite get their groove back. Or the person back.
Reasons may range from over ambition, to greed, to bad advice, to immaturity, and to stupidity.
Its a personal judgement call. But a good person is a good person. The wise ones pursue potential in their choice of mates.
“Ready-made’s” are already set in stone, you will find that you’re soon caught between a rock and a hard place.

4) Handshake wey don reach elbow… No be handshake again.

Maybe you’ve found such a one? What in God’s name are you waiting for? Marry them for crying out loud! Commit to them my indecisive (and often, self centered) friend! Tell them how you feel. Show them how you feel. Do right by them and do the honorable thing.
Its been two years since they proposed, friend, return the ring. Except if your country is involved in war of some sort, and one party is drafted.

5) Una two no be pikin; couple yasef!

Ever notice that marriage is the only institution that gives you a certificate before graduation?
My point is that marriage is for life. Marriage is for serious minded people. It is not a status. It is not meant to be just romantic.
Many people treat their marriages like they’re dating and so experience boyfriend and girlfriend issues whilst married.
Grow up! Act your age. Play your part. If you do not understand marriage, do your research from holy books first. Please stop traumatising both families. The ripple effect of marital problems are far reaching. Stop worsening marriage statistics. Don’t let your poor choices misinform and ‘miseducate’ the willing.
If you don’t get it, please leave marriage alone till you do.

Nkpam! (Finish!)

Time, Wealth & Health

The Three Last Wishes of Alexander the Great

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests,his great army, his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence. He now longed to reach home to see his mother’s face and bid her his last adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.

He called his generals and said, “I will depart from this world soon, I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail.”

With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king’s last wishes.

1) “My first desire is that”, said Alexander, “My physicians alone must” carry my coffin.”

2) After a pause, he continued, “Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury”.

3) The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute’s rest and continued. “My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin”.

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king’s strange wishes. But no one dared bring the question to their lips.. Alexander’s favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart.

“O king, we assure you that all your wishes will be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?”

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said:”I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt. Lessons to be learnt from last 3 wishes of King Alexander…I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor on this earth can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the path to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life Greed of Power, earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

About my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world”.

With these words, the king closed his eyes.Soon he let death conquer him and breathed his last. . . .

LESSONS TO LEARN :

Remember, your Health is in your own hands, look after it. Wealth is only meaningful if you can share and also enjoy while you are still alive, kicking & healthy. What you do for yourself, dies with you. But what you do for others will live for ever.

Leave the Legacy behind.

Happy Eid el Kabir?

I had been driving around aimlessly. Officially the sallah holidays were slated for Monday and Tuesday, but Abuja was already empty. This was Sunday afternoon… Area 11 Garki bore striking similitude to Chernobyl.

I was bored. Lost. Pissed.
Not my ideal Sunday afternoon. I was bereft of excitement and desperately needed to get into some trouble… Yeah, I get that way occasionally.

I had just approached the intersection before the new CBN building in the CBD of Abuja. I slowed to a halt at the traffic lights, my eyes on the counter counting down at the red light; 10 seconds to green. Suddenly a Nissan 370z blazed past me. It beat the red light.

About 5 seconds later, the lights went green so I moved ahead. I was about a hundred metres from Ceddi Plaza when I saw her.

She was light skinned. Beautiful. Summer dress, sky blue I think, fluttering because of slight winds. Her hair was worn long…she looked like she was torn between keeping her hair out of her face, and her dress down.

Then as I slowed I saw her rump. The ‘miss’ had some serious ‘junk in the trunk!’ Not the obscene sort, this protuberance on the lady looked firm…worthy of closer inspection. If that sort of derrière cooked your noodles. I was not at all interested, but I slowed to perform my civic duties and issue a citizens’ arrest! We could not have seductresses and sirens causing anarchy and chaos on our streets!!

As I stopped in front of the ‘taste of heaven’, I heard the usually tragic screech of brakes applied suddenly. I braced myself for the corresponding crash but heard nothing. Looking around I eventually saw that Nissan 370z parked a little too close to my hood. He had apparently backed up and stopped too suddenly.
Looked like he had a problem with me, or the ‘Miss’.

I killed my engine and stepped out. Went round the front of my car toward the by now bewildered lady. Opened my mouth to say something to her when speedy Gonzalez intruded rudely.

“Hey darling…need a ride?”

I glanced at him incredulous, there is honor amongst thieves. I got here first! Ceteris paribus.

“I got here first…” I unnecessarily informed speedy Gonzalez.

The man actually shoved me aside to get to the Miss.

“Hey…!” I squeaked, my tenor tending alarmingly toward a feminine falsetto.

In response he whipped round and poked me in the chest. I poked him back…
He then supplied me with the hardest backhand slap I had ever received since boarding school.

“You want some more punk?” He growled at me.

“She is my wife”, I muttered evenly.

Unbelieving he turned to her for confirmation.
She nodded in affirmation.

She had called to say she had car troubles. She had gone shopping. She lived in diaspora, back only to spend a few days with me. I had been looking all over for her…worried.

I have never backed down from a legitimate cause. I do not lose battles or wars. I am not afraid; of blood or anything. And so I began taking off my Patek Philippe.

“Run…! Please!!” My wife screamed at him.

THE END.