Site icon Dan Ochu-Baiye

The Snake In My Bed

We have kids together. Not married (yet). Guess the unmarried bit, plus recent financial blessings started to put some strain on us.

I was finally getting some worldwide recognition for my work. Global prominence, and a huge fan base. She was getting insecure and desperate. We fought a lot recently. Situation was ugly, tense and a tad violent.

I hid in my work.

Ever wake up with a sense that something was wrong? Your entire body suffused with adrenaline, combat ready? Guys, you know what I mean.

I awoke with a start. The room was pitch black. I’m one of those people that wake up fully alert normally. A lifelong result of jarring alarm clocks set. I will usually wake up a few seconds before my alarm goes off, just to stave the rude awakening.

I woke and lunged forward toward the foot of my very large bed. Almost headlong into the wall-mounted flat screen TV. I would usually roll right, over Inemesit – that’s her name, and maybe over on her sometimes. As the mood dictated.

Instinctively though, I chose to move toward the foot of the bed. The bathroom light switch was just ahead I knew. The bathroom door was always open. As I vacated my resting place, I heard a muffled thud and a bit of rustling behind me. I hit the switch and tried to hop right off the bed and on my feet in one motion… Silly me. I fell heavily. But I sprang up and faced the bed, my right hand hitting the light switch on the wall. The bedroom flared brighter as the second switch illuminated the room. The bedroom door too was always open – behind me. For the kids.

Then I saw it.

It was a snake. Still striking my recently vacated portion of the bed passionately. Its fury almost malicious now that I think of it. Amazingly, Inemesit was still asleep! Whilst a serpent partially over her was for some reason trying to kill her lover.

“Jesus!” I croaked in shock. It whirled around toward the sound of my voice.

It slithered down the foot of the bed – my erstwhile path toward me. I felt my bowels loosen and gooseflesh break out. It was a bit of a long snake, with shiny black scales.

I sleep in the nude. Imagine how defenceless I felt standing there naked, naked girlfriend mercifully still asleep on the bed. Kiddies room behind me. Even if I could find my voice, who could I call? Any sound I made in panic would awaken Inemesit or the kids, if either showed up here… I gallantly softly closed the bedroom door. My eyes never leaving the reptile.

It is a small bedroom. Door behind me. Wardrobe too. Dresser and mirror to my left, wall to my right. Large bed in front of me…no, not really. In fact a large snake now weaving in front of me.

It was a cobra. About five foot long; standing.

Strangely though, it was mesmerising and beautiful. Hypnotically lovely. It looked like it was dancing for me…side to side. Then the part under the head, its chest I think, flared…and it began hissing…forked tongue probing the air. Instinctively I knew it was about to attack me. And Inemesit was still sleeping!

I hear snakes are fast. I hear cobras spit in your eyes. I hear the death is painful. But I had a sexy, beautiful baby mama on my bed. And kids that needed me in the house. Who was going to take care of them?

I lunged left toward the dressing table and grabbed the longest can I could see, the snake reared back to strike.

My grip on the can was flawed so I had grabbed it by the head, no time to reverse my grip…so I reflexively pressed the head of the can in sheer desperation into the face of the incoming fangs…and jumped back, back slamming hard into the wardrobe.

It recoiled oddly, sharply, and did a funny wriggle and fell forward toward me.

“Jesus!” I yelled as I sprang up, its head missing my naked, flailing genitals only because midair I parted my thighs to adjust for the falling serpent.
As I descended, in line with scriptural prophecy, I came down heel first onto it’s head. As I heard the sickening ‘squelch’ of its head crushed, I ground my heel viciously till I heard its head bones crunch twice.

I jumped away to the right to avoid its writhing death dance and since it seemed to work, liberally sprayed some more from the can onto the writhing serpent.

It was a macabre and beautiful scenario; the can was a Jasmine scented air freshener I had bought on sale at Spar supermarket.
I was alive!
Inemesit was still asleep (really? Chic, seriously?!)
And my kids were safe…
And the air was fragrant with the cloying, oriental and heavy scent of Jasmine.
And the snake wasn’t going to rise again.

Inemesit never woke up. She died in her sleep.

“A brain aneurysm…” the autopsy report stated.

“No foul play suspected…” The police report stated.

“Hmmm…hiiaan!!” I stated.

I just wonder.

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